When Things Change
by celtic2
Summary: Spike is back in Sunnydale a little different then before he left. Stems from the finale of season 6 starting with "The Grave," twisted for my creation. What might come from Spike's soul.
1. In the End

Disclaimer:  I do not own any of the characters.  They all belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Inc., and the other creators and performers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I have written this for pure entertainment value and nothing else.  I do not claim this is how it will be on the show or I have any affiliation with BtVS.  I do not own the songs used in this series.  They belong to Linkin Park, "In the End," and Stabbing Westward, "Shame."  The poem, however changed to fit my story by gender, was written by W.H. Aulden.

Thanks:  Thanks to Heather for reading and making sure I didn't sound like and idiot.  :o)

Summary:  This comes directly from the events of the season 6 finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I have changed it in the smallest amount to make it fitting for my story.  All the important events that happened in finale are still the same, but the time line is just a little different.

Rating:  At the moment Pg-13/R

**"Ask me again why I could never love you."  Buffy**

**Seeing Red**

In The End It starts with 

**_One thing…I don't know why_**

**_It doesn't matter how hard you try_**

**_Keep that in mind….I designed this rhyme_**

**_To explain in due time_**

**_All I know_**

****

            Buffy reached her hand up out of the grave, looking back for her sister.  Pulling herself up into the light took Buffy's breath away, knowing that all this almost came to an end.  After a year of pain and hurt, wanting to not be here in this world any longer, she realized in that fleeting moment that this is where she needed to be.  Turning around to pull Dawn up out of the grave to stand next to her, and watch with a new fondness, a new sense of wonder as the world before her unfolded into a new day of life.  Buffy took Dawn's hand in hers as they walked through the cemetery, the sunlight beating down on them in the cool California breeze.  Buffy looked at everything like it was her first time she really truly saw it all.  The green of the grass, the scents that invaded her senses as they walked the path out of the cemetery.  Dawn froze next to her sister, and Buffy stopped to look at her.  She was so grown up, and for the first time Buffy actually saw it, and she couldn't help but smile.

"Dawn, what is it?"  Buffy asked.

Dawn's voice was paralyzed with confusion as she stared out into the middle of the cemetery, into the middle of the sunlight.  Releasing her hand from her sisters, she rubbed her eyes, trying to take in all she was seeing.  

"Spike."  Dawn whispered.

Spike stood there staring at the two girls in the sunlight.  Taking in a glorious vision he hasn't truly seen in over a hundred years.  The two women before him glistened in the sunlight, marvelous, en-comparison in beauty as the sun radiated on their bodies.  His senses so high tuned into the smell of his fair Buffy, the day accentuating her scent.  Buffy moved away from Dawn to see Spike, unbelieving he was there.  Confusion and shock splayed across her face when she saw the faint whisper of a pale shadow roll behind the trees and out of sight.

Time is a valuable thing 

**_Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings_**

**_Watch it count down to the end of the day_**

**_The clock ticks life away_**

**_It's so unreal_**

****

Buffy shook her head in disbelief.  It couldn't have been Spike, not standing here during the day, not directly in the sun.  It couldn't even be Spike here.  She refused to believe after everything that has happened he would show up now, right at the end.  

"It couldn't have been Spike, Dawn."  Buffy said.

"I know it couldn't have been Spike, but it was him.  He was standing in the sun right over there!"  Dawn shouted, and pointed to where Spike stood.

"No, Dawn, it couldn't have been.  He is a vampire.  They go dusty when the sun hits them."  Buffy shook her head.

"I know ALL about vampires Buffy, but I am telling you Spike was there!"  Dawn demanded.

Dawn started her way towards where Spike stood when Buffy grabbed her shoulder and spun her around.

"Where do you think you are going?"  Buffy questioned.

"I am going to go find him."  Dawn breathed.

"No!  No you are not!"  Buffy shouted.  "Anyways, remember what Clem said?  He is gone."

Dawn ripped her arm out of Buffy's grasp and stared at her.  She took in a deep breath, and glanced back one more time over her shoulder to make sure he was really gone.  A small tear ran down her face, and confusion struck through her mind.  She stood there practically crying for Spike after knowing what he did.  Everything he did.  This was all too much, but deep down Dawn missed him.  She knew him better then anybody else did, even Buffy, and he always treated her like a friend, a grown up.  She turned back towards Buffy and grabbed her hand and began walking down the path again with her sister.  _Maybe I just miss him too much._  Dawn thought to herself.  She turned to look at Buffy as they exited the cemetery and caught Buffy staring back to the trees, where he disappeared.

            Dawn and Buffy got to the Magic Box and Giles and Anya found their way to the back room.  Really it was the only spot in the entire store that wasn't ruined by the fighting.  Giles was slouched over sitting next to Anya who was slightly holding him up.  Buffy ran over to him, falling on her knees in front of him, wrapping her arms around him tight, not wanting to let him go.  Anya smiled and leaned into Buffy and Giles not wanting to be left out.  She looked up and saw Dawn standing in the corner and waved her over.  Giles sat in the middle of a big group hug; tears started falling from his eyes.

"God Giles, you're ok!  Are you ok?"  Buffy mumbled underneath the mass of people.

"I'm….I'm still a little sore, and you're still a little strong Buffy."  Giles coughed.

Buffy moved quickly away from him almost knocking Dawn to the ground in her fast harsh movements.  Anya moved away disappointed the hug was over, but stood up so Buffy could sit down next to Giles.  She moved over to Dawn and wrapped one arm around the young girls shoulder, holding her tight, and Dawn just leaned her head down on her shoulder.  Buffy sat next to Giles and started whipping away at the blood that stained his face.  Staring at him like this, and knowing she almost lost him once again, she wanted to break down in his arms and cry, but not now.  She couldn't cry now.

"Wh..what happened?"  Buffy stuttered.

"Xander!"  Anya yelped.

Buffy turned; a look of confusion marred her face.  "Xander?  What happened to Xander?"

"Xander saved the world."  Anya cried.

"That's right.  Yes, umm…it was Xander."  Giles agreed.  "Xander found Willow just in time, and it was he that saved us all.  It was he that loved her enough to save the world."

Buffy and Dawn looked crushed.  Neither of them were able to stop Willow.  They only seemed to infuriate her anger and hate towards everybody.  They didn't know that Willow took something from Giles, a little piece of humanity that was long forgotten in all the hate she was feeling.  Giles just tried to sit back, his pain was slowly receding.  They may never know, though.

Buffy hugged Giles one last time and rose to her feet.  She walked past Anya and Dawn and stood at the door for a brief moment and turned back to the small group.

"Maybe I should, uh…"  Buffy trailed off with her words as she walked through the door.

Buffy slowly moved through the Magic Box, with every step a torn memory flashed across her mind of the fight she had with Willow.  Willow's voice etched in her mind as Willow made Buffy face the truth of the past year.  It was lightening pain as Willow's words ripped through her body.  The punches and kicks that were always thrown amongst friends.  The threats, and magic's used to try to kill one another.  Every step that she took was another flash of painful memory as she walked to the door.  She opened the door glancing back through the store, turning into the light it burned at her eyes.  Blinking to adjust her sight in the sun, Buffy saw him.  He stood there like a Romanesque statue in the sunlight, gorgeous and haunting and then gone.  Before she realized it wasn't the sun playing tricks on her Spike was gone.  He once again disappeared into the shadows making the alleys of the buildings his sanctuary.  Buffy shook her head at the thought of him being here, it was impossible, and in the daylight even more of an absurdity to think.

She walked through town watching everything, and seeing it all differently then she did yesterday.  She felt more alive crawling out of the grave with Dawn then she did when she crawled out of her own almost a year ago.  Everything before her was so different and new.  Before she knew it, she had made her way across town to Devil's Mountain, and saw Xander and Willow on the ground in each other's arms.  Willow was crying, and Xander was holding onto her so tightly, afraid to let her go.  Buffy wished she could be over there, with her friends, consoling together in all their pain, but it wasn't her place.  Not anymore.  She turned and left them alone, tears threatening to unfold from her eyes.

Buffy walked alone for hours contemplating the past events.  Everything that has led to this precise moment in time went through Buffy's mind.  Before she knew it she stood before Spike's door of his crypt.  Her thoughts have taken her to places she really didn't want to go, ever.  And now she stood in spot that she didn't really want to be.  At least she thought.  She sucked in a harsh breath and opened the door to the crypt.  It was dark, things were thrown all over the place, some stuff was destroyed, and remnants of food lay around the cold stone floor and sarcophagus.  She made her way down to the basement, where her Spike had recently spent plenty of intimate time.  The same place that she was chained and threatened, the same place she found Spike's obsession for her, and turned him down.  If there were any place in the world Spike would be during the day, if he were in Sunnydale at any rate, it would be down here in the basement of his dark dank crypt.  He wasn't there though, not even Clem occupied this crypt.  Buffy sighed then shook her head as she walked back to the ladder to leave.  She looked over the basement again, remembering what it use to look like, with the colors, and carpets, making it almost look human before it was blown up.  She shook off her thoughts and climbed to the top of the crypt, surprised all of a sudden by Clem sitting in the chair.

"Clem."  Buffy said.

He jumped surprised that anybody was there.  He was a demon but he didn't have that kind of sense like vampires had.  To have the Slayer sneak up behind him from the basement of where he was currently living sent shivers up his spine.  He stood in front of her staring across the room at her, playing with his ears in an uncomfortable silence.  Buffy only stepped closer to him noting how nervous he got with each step.  She raised her hands to make a small gesture of peace, and he almost jumped out of his skin.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Clem."  Buffy whispered.

"So….ummm, so you're like not mad at me for taking the little one to ummm, yeah…"

"No.  I am not mad at you for taking Dawn to Rack's.  She can be pretty persuasive."  Buffy smiled.

"And you're not gonna kill me then?"  Clem asked hesitant for an answer.

"No Clem.  I'm not gonna kill you."  Buffy sounded so defeated as she walked towards the door to leave him in peace.  

Clem relaxed at her words and followed her movements, as she walked towards the steel door.  He moved slightly from the light as it pierced in thru the open door, for need really, except he just liked the dark.  He waved a little at her, afraid to move too much still around the Slayer, a small smile sailing over his features.

"So, uh…I guess I'll see ya around Sla..I mean Buffy."  Clem stuttered.

"Yeah I guess so."  Buffy smiled as she walked through the door.  She paused for a moment, and without turning asked her undying question.  "Clem, do you know if Spike is back?"

"No.  I don't know when he is coming back."  Clem stated.

"Oh."  Is all Buffy could manage as she shut the door behind her and made her way back to her home.

Didn't look out below 

**_Watch the time go right out the window_**

**_Trying to hold on…but didn't even know_**

**_Wasted it all just to_**

**_Watch you go_**

****

            A week later everything seemed to some what settle down, and get back to as normal as things did around Sunnydale.  Willow moved back to her parent's house for a while.  She couldn't handle sleeping in, or even being in the same room Tara died in.  Anyways, that police still had the yellow tape on the room, and around advertising something bad happened here.  It was hard to stay in the house for Buffy and Dawn.  Dawn spent most of her time either at Xander's or one of her friend's house like Janice or somebody.  Thank goodness for Buffy that Giles had stayed with her stay the Summers' home.  They would sit and talk for hours, occasionally going over to the Magic Box to help clean up there.  Buffy told Giles everything all over again that has happened in Sunnydale since he had left, and most of the time they would laugh about it all.  Today though was going to be different.  Today the entire gang was getting together to bury Tara.  Willow called her family, but after last time they were here they had a few words with Willow apparently.  Needless to say her blood family wasn't coming to her funeral.

Tara's funeral was held at the same cemetery Buffy's mother was buried.  Not very far away from each other in fact.  It was a gorgeous day outside.  The sun warmed everybody gently, surrounding all of them in a blanket of summer.  Lilies and roses covered every square inch around them with the white coffin perched in front of them all.  They had a Wicca priestess perform the prayers and service.  A few other people from school showed up to her funeral, but you could just tell they didn't know her, not like we did.  _We barely knew her._  Buffy and Xander thought.  Xander held onto Willow as she cried in his arms, everybody else standing back mourning in their own ways.  Gently every once in awhile placing small consoling hands on Willow, trying to comfort her a little more.  Willow stood to say one last goodbye to her lover, her friend.

**Not even this can separate us**

**_We are bound to one another_**

**_By more then just a string that can be broken death_**

**_We are bound together by our souls_**

**_One day we will meet again_**

Be reunited 

**_Our love shall never falter or break_**

**_For death is not the end_**

**_We will all miss you_**

**_We will all remember you_**__

When Willow finished her speech she bent down carefully next to the coffin and placed a gentle kiss on the outside before it lowered to the earth.  The flower in Willows hand dropped down on top of it, and she walked away.  Xander moved to the coffin and put his flower on, turned around with a brief smile and then followed Willow.  We all stood and watched him catch her before she left the cemetery then individually said our last goodbyes to our friend.  Everybody left one by one leaving a hole in the cemetery and left over flowers marking the spot of a loved one.  Buffy stayed behind wanting to be alone for a little bit.  She made sure Dawn was safe and doing all right has she headed off with Giles and Anya.  Buffy stood there next to where Tara was being laid to rest and watched as the crewman laid down the dirt on her coffin.  

The pounding of the dirt hitting the wood thundered through her body making her shudder.  Each scoop of dirt was like a boulder smashing into her heart making her wince.  Buffy couldn't force herself to move, she just stood there and watched.  Wanting to say goodbye, but had no words to say it.  She threw her single daisy in with the dirt and turned around and left.  She walked over to where her mother was placing the small bouquet of flowers near her tombstone.

"Well Mom.  You're not alone anymore."  Buffy whispered.  "Tara is up there to keep you company now."

Buffy noticed a small envelope lying at the base of her mother's tombstone.  It only read _Joyce_ on the front of it in unusual handwriting.  Buffy looked around to see if she could see anybody and then open the envelope up.  The letter unfolded in an egg white parchment paper, with script handwriting.

Well Joyce it seems once again you are not alone.  I seem to never be able to save anybody.  Not you, nor Buffy, and now it is Tara.  I know I haven't been here in a long time to visit, but it seems your daughters keep me rather busy.  Definitely not an excuse though.  I will visit you and Tara more often now that things have changed.  You two were the only ones that ever treated me like a man, and not a monster.  A real man anyways.  Well I don't want to drone on and on about what not.  I wanted to share a poem with you and Tara.  I know this is fitting for both of you because we all loved you both very much.  Red is sure gonna miss her.  I know she probably feel this way, because I have felt it more then once in my un-life now.  I miss talking to you Joyce.    

**                                                                                                                                                _Spike_**

****

**_Stop all the clocks_**

**_Cut off the telephone_**

**_Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone._**

**_Silence the pianos with muffled drum_**

**_Bring out the coffin_**

**_Let the mourners come._**

**_The airplanes fly by over head_**

**_Scribbling a message_**

**_She is dead_**

**_Put crate bows on the necks of white doves_**

**_Let traffic policeman wear black satin gloves._**

**_She is my north_**

**_My south_**

**_My east_**

**_and west._**

**_My working week_**

**_and Sunday rest._**

**_My noon_**

**_My midnight_**

**_My talk_**

**_My song_**

**_I thought that would love would live forever_**

**_I was wrong._**

****

**_The stars are not wanted now_**

**_Put out everyone_**

**_Pack up the moon_**

**_And dismantle the sun._**

**_Put away the ocean_**

**_And sweep up the wood_**

**_For nothing now could ever come to any good._**

****

Buffy fell to her knees reading the poem Spike left to her mother and Tara.  She couldn't believe he could write such things.  She couldn't believe he would actually take the time to do so.  Buffy read the letter one more time and a single tear fell from her cheek down to the paper.  She folded the paper back up when she was done and placed it back in the envelope.  Looking over to Tara's grave Buffy's breath was taken away.  A small bouquet of yellow daisies laid on the now covered grave, and a tall figure in black walking away, moving to the shadows of the trees.  Buffy dropped the letter over her mother's resting place and ran for the trees.

"Spike!"  Buffy yelled.

Nobody was there.  Only a faint scent of cigarettes lingered in the air.  Buffy walked back through the cemetery to make her way home.  She looked over one last time at Tara and her mother's grave.  The yellow daisies lay over the fresh earth of one, and Buffy blinked at the small bouquet of yellow daises placed ever so discreetly next to her bouquet on her mother's grave.  The letter once again propped up on the ground against her tombstone.  Buffy froze and looked around trying to see him, to sense him, but how could it be.  Not during the day, but then again Spike was like no other vampire.

Buffy ran her hardest to Spike's crypt swinging open the door with a crash.  Darkness blanketed the empty crypt.  No couch, no television, no small fridge that stored his blood bags, not even Clem sitting around.  Buffy ran through the top over to the ladder, and jumped downstairs.  Everything was gone.  Nothing, just a crypt, nothing was left, no bed or bar, no Spike.

****

I tried so hard 

**_And got so far_**

**_But in the end_**

**_It doesn't even matter_**

**_I had to fall_**

**_And lose it all_**

**_But in the end_**

**_It doesn't even matter_**

****

****

            Buffy was wrapped up in her bed staring at Spike's duster lying over the chair at her vanity.  It had been days since she went to his crypt and found it vacant, not sign of him anywhere, or even Clem.  She had been to Willie's searching for him, but nobody had heard anything about him since he left.  She tried everywhere she could think.  At night she was haunted by the vision of him just as much as during the day.  She would go out and fight in the cemeteries or blackened alleys always feel like she was being watched.  During the day was the same way.  Sometimes she would spot him walking outside her house during the day, but by the time she would run to him he would be gone.  The allies at night concealed him in darkness when she thought she caught a glimpse of him.  She was always wrong though, and he was never really there.  Her slayer senses couldn't even feel him, not like it use to anyways.  The feeling now when she thought it was him was so different, so unusual that it just couldn't be him.

One thing…I don't know why 

**_Doesn't even matter how hard I try_**

**_Keep that in mind…I designed this rhyme_**

**_To remind myself how_**

**_I tried so hard_**

Right now though everything else seemed to be getting better she guessed.  Willow had still yet to come over to her house, but Buffy had gone to hers, and they would hug and talk.  Not like old times really, but better then it has been in a long time.  Sometimes Dawn or Anya would come with Buffy to see her, and it would be just the girls night out, though nobody said anything.  Giles even went a couple times to see her; you know make sure she was doing all right and all.  These last couple days though Buffy has tried to spend as much time as possible with Giles before he leaves again.  She took off work for a couple days, even though they are still hurting for money.  Giles gave her some to tie her over for a bit, and he paid for Tara's funeral.  The police said they haven't found the shooter yet, and they finally came by today and took down that horrible tape.  Giles paid for the new window installation, and the carpets were cleaned.  Nobody else was able to go in the room with it still looking like that.  Giles just took care of everything, and tomorrow he will be leaving once again.

Buffy reached out her hand and played her fingertips gently over the leather of his duster, then turned on her back and closed her eyes.  Ever since the funeral and the flowers, the poem, everything, Buffy has been invaded with images of her times with Spike.  She always seemed to drift to sleep with one memory or another of him.  She thought of after she came back and she went to him, and they talked and laughed.  She thought about their first kiss, and the kiss after that one, and the passion while they had sex, sometimes she liked to think of them making love.  It seems to make her sleep with smile.  Until that is the nightmares came.  The look of desperation in Spike's eyes, the fear scorching through Buffy as she try to free herself from his grasp in the bathroom.  She would wake up in a nightmarish rage at the memory of what happened, the look in his eyes before he left, and she would dress and go out for the hunt.  Every night it would be the same.

            After Buffy and the gang said goodbye to Giles, Buffy made sure everybody was doing fine.  She needed a little alone time.  She left the Magic Box hugging everybody goodbye for the night, assuring her sister she would be home later, then she made her way to the Bronze.  She sat at the bar just like last time when Giles left and drank her drink.  Tears threatened to cross her face, but she forced them to stay back.  It really was no place to cry.  Not here, not now.  She glanced around the bar as she took sips from her drink listening to the music, and saw him.  He stood in the corner, in the darkness of the club.  His platinum blonde hair almost blinding glaring out from the black, and he smiled and walked away from her.  Buffy dashed out of her seat trying to force her way thru the crowd, making it to the door.  The blinding light from the sun making her lose sight for a moment.  She looked down the alley, and he wasn't there, nobody was there.  She shrugged her shoulders, thinking it was just her imagination playing tricks on her again.  I mean there was no way he could walk out of the Bronze into the day.  She glanced back in the bar, not seeing anybody and closed the door as she started walking down the alley to her home.

When Buffy got to her house there was a single daisy lying at the base of her door.  The light shinning on it like a diamond.  A small note lay next to it written in unfamiliar writing.  Just a simple, '_You look stunning even when your sad'_, written on the note.

In spite of the way you were mocking me 

**_Acting like I was part of your property_**

**_Remembering all the times you fought with me….I'm surprised_**

**_I got so far_**

****

Buffy burst through door and ran into the living room where Dawn was sitting on the couch watching TV.  Buffy held the daisy in her hand and she stood silent pointing at the door looking at her sister.  Dawn stood up and cautiously approached her baffled sister.

"Who is that from?"  Dawn asked.

"Did you see him!?"  Buffy shouted.

"See who?  I don't know what you are talking about."  Dawn said.

"Dawn did you see who put this there?  Did you see Spike?"  Buffy demanded and grabbed her sister's arm.

"I didn't see anybody!  I don't know who left that here!"  Dawn demanded pulling her arm away.  "Spike's back."

Buffy just turned her to face Dawn.  Everything was so weird right now, and neither could explain anything that was going on.  And now, now there was another daisy, this time at her door.  The handwriting though, it was so…different.  It couldn't be Spike, there was no way.  Buffy swore to herself for these odd visions she has been having lately and went into the kitchen lying the flower and letter on the island.  Dawn followed her and watched as she silently shifted through the fridge looking for stuff to eat.  Since Giles was here they went shopping and had more food to choose from, that wasn't from the Doublemeat Palace, which was nice.  Dawn picked up the flower and smelled it as she moved the letter around so she was able to read what it said.  Dawn just smiled and placed the flower down on the table where it was and went over to help Buffy with dinner.

"So, uh, you don't know who is leaving you those things?"  Dawn inquired.

"What?!  What things?  There are no 'things.'  Only one thing.  One."  Buffy pointed out.

"Ok, ok geez.  So you don't know who sent you the _one_ thing?"  Dawn smiled.

"No."  Buffy whispered.  "No I don't."

"I am sure whoever it is will show himself soon enough Buffy."  Dawn suggested.

"Do you know who it is?"  Buffy asked.

"I already told you that I don't know."  Dawn said.  "I bet it is Spike though."

The girls finished cooking and had a nice meal together.  Afterwards they made their way to the Magic Box to do a little bit of training.  Buffy guessed it was high time to start training Dawn how to fight, instead of her just picking it up from watching all the time.  They spent a couple hours fighting, and mocking each other until neither wanted to keep going for tonight, so they cleaned up their stuff and made their way home.  Buffy did a quick patrol with Dawn at her side for the first time ever, but to Dawn's disappointment it was slow.  Not one vampire showed its head.  Buffy though was acting like they were being followed, always watching behind her, stopping and back tracking to see who was there.  Nobody ever showed their face, and it was midnight before they knew it.  They spent the whole night together talking about all kinds of things.  For the first time Dawn actually felt like somebody important to her sister.  Buffy told her about how her and Spike came to be and how they broke up.  They even talked about memories long forgotten over the last year about their mother.  When they got home Dawn hugged Buffy goodnight and went into her room.

Buffy got ready for bed, and wrapped up in her sheets and stared at the duster that laid over the back end of the chair.  For a second the daisy and note caught her attention, but the duster is what kept her attention.  It was always in the same place, only time it moved was in Buffy would carry it with her and smell the faint scent that it carried of Spike with it.  She reached out and touched the leather lazily like she has every night, rolled over and closed her eyes.  Her thoughts were more vivid tonight as she lay trying to go to sleep.  That night in the house, after they fought, and she kissed him.  All the passion and want that was in that kiss shook her to her bones.  Her thoughts of him entering her that night carried her into her sleep, and soon the nightmares began.  The ice blue eyes staring down at her, forcing to touch her.  Each time it seemed the nightmares got worse, her own memories of the time didn't even compare to what her nightmares showed her.  Her nightmares showed her the monster she let invade her, her memories showed her a desperate man.  Like always she woke from up in a fright got dressed and went out to hunt.  This time the patrol was more satisfying then earlier.  A couple new fledglings rose from their fresh grave, and she ran into a pack of nameless demons that just really pissed her off when they one of them kicked her in the face and she flew over a tombstone.  After the fight she felt so refreshed, killing those demons always made her feel a little better.  When she straightened her clothes she walked through the cemetery up to where Tara and her mother laid to check on them.  On both gravesites she noticed a new set of fresh bouquets.   Buffy just smiled, somebody was obviously taking care of them and keeping their promise, and she had a faint idea of who it was.  When she made it home she sneaked upstairs into her room and changed back into her pajamas.  She pulled the blankets down from her bed, not quiet remembering her making it, but right before she laid down she noticed a single daisy laying there with a small note written in the same hand as the one before.  _Don't cry sweetheart.  It will be better, promise._  Was all the note said.  Just as short as the one left at the door.  Buffy walked over to the window with the note and the flower in her hand looking out into the empty darkness.  She laid here new flower and note next to the other one, and covered back up into her bed staring at the black duster.

Things aren't the way they were before 

**_You wouldn't recognize me anymore_**

**_Not that you knew me back then_**

**_But it all comes back to me _**

**_In the end_**

****

Buffy fell asleep staring at the duster in front of her.  Spike sat out her window for a moment to make sure her sleep had no more nightmares this time.  He watched as a single tear rolled down her cheek and crashed onto the satin pillow cradling her head.  He felt her heartbeat slow, and her breathing calm as she drifted off to sleep and he jumped off the ledge and walked away from the house lighting a cigarette.  He had to go before he went in there and comforted her, but he knew her tears were because of him, and right now them together was the last thing they needed.

You kept everything inside and even though I tried….it all fell apart 

**_What it meant to me_**

**_Will eventually_**

**_Be a memory_**

**_Of a time when I_**

****

**_I put my trust in you_**

**_Pushed as far as I could go_**

**_And for all this_**

**_There's one thing I should know….._**


	2. Without you

****

Without You 

****

****

**_I only see myself reflected in your eyes_**

**_So all that I believe I am essentially are lies_**

**_And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was_**

**_Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?_**

****

            Buffy sat at the kitchen table lost in thought.  Steele blue eyes burned into her as he watched her eat her breakfast.  Silence engulfed the kitchen as they stared at each other.  No words needed to be spoken at the moment.  Hints of yellow swam across his eyes as his face changed, his fangs grow, and a low growl emanated from his chest.  Buffy's body tightened in reflex at the sight of the demon before her.

"Buffy!"  Dawn shouted.  "Hey Buffy!"

Dawn shook her sister waved her hands in front of her face.  Buffy lurched forward at Dawn with her spoon tight in her fist.  Buffy's hand wrapped around her sister's neck and flung her over the kitchen table tossing the cereal and milk all over the floor.  The spoon froze at Dawn's chest as Buffy caught the fear and sadness in the dark brown eyes under her.  Dropping the spoon and moving away cautiously, blinking in astonishment at what she almost done to her sister, Buffy felt tears form in her eyes.  Dawn stood up rubbing her neck staring at Buffy in disbelief and just shook her head.

"Dawn, I….I didn't mea…"

"It's okay Buffy."  Dawn interrupted.  "I guess I understand."  
  
"I don't even understand.  I almost killed you."  Buffy cried.

"Don't you remember Slayer?  You can't kill a vampire unless it is a _wooden_ stake."  Dawn said.

Buffy moved over to her sister carefully gently placing her hand in her hair, and pulling her into her arms.  Hugging her to her, trying to comfort her.  It was more of a comfort for Buffy then for Dawn to hold this tight to her.

"You're not a vampire though, Dawn."  Buffy whispered into Dawn's hair, kissing her softly.

"I know, but I know you wouldn't kill me."  Dawn wrapped her arms around her big sister.  "You're not a killer Buffy."

Buffy closed her eyes, and just stood there holding her sister.  Trying to forget the images she saw.  The dreams and even her nightmares have faded over now to when she wasn't asleep, or even trying to go to sleep.  To top it off she was seeing Spike everywhere, but nobody else was.  Dawn only thought she saw him a couple times when she was walking home from Janice's house right before dusk, but just like Buffy she could never catch him.  Neither of them talked to anybody else about seeing him places because of the tension through the group anyways.  The gang was just so different now.  

Anya still made Dawn work at the Magic Box, but I think it was more to have company then for the debt Dawn owed her.  Anya was pretty lonely during the day, and at night even worse.  She always wanted to go grab coffee, or a movie, or just anything with Dawn or Buffy after she closed the shop, not wanting to be alone.  Sometimes she would sit in the workout room while Buffy trained Dawn, and sometimes Anya would join in.  All three girls together beating up the fake bad guys that surrounded the room.  It was a sight to see actually.  The Slayer teaching an ex-ball of green light and a 1000 year old demon how to fight bad guys, but these were the only three people that came back to the Magic shop after that day.

Giles helped out with some money before he left to fix up the shop and Buffy and Dawn worked there with Anya putting it back together.  There were still some parts of the shop that weren't completely back to normal, but then again nothing was back to normal.  

Xander spent most of his time at Willow's helping her get over the magic stuff, and letting her cry all the time.  Buffy and Dawn would come and visit on occasion just to talk to her about nothing in particular.  Sometimes they would talk about Tara, but it was rare, and Willow couldn't even say her name.  When Xander wasn't there Anya would come by to see Willow, but somebody always had to be with them.  Never wanted to take the chance of an 'I wish' slip up during a crying moment.

The only person that went on patrol with Buffy anymore was Dawn, but there never seemed to be anything major happening when Dawn would be with Buffy.  Buffy watched one night as Dawn sat at a fresh grave and waited for the new vampire to rise.  Buffy stood still and watched her sister get tossed around at first, and right when the vampire almost bit down on her neck, Buffy panicked for a moment until dust fell over top of Dawn.  Dawn lay on the ground coughing, brushing the dust from her clothes as she stood up.  

"I can't believe you didn't help me!"  Dawn screamed.

"I thought you wanted to be a grown up and fight?"  Buffy asked with sarcasm.

"I wanted to fight, not get drained."  Dawn protested.

"I wouldn't have let him drain you."  Buffy said.

Dawn smiled for a moment then frowned at her sister.  "But…but you would have let him bite me?"  Dawn groaned.

Buffy just smirked and turned around and skipped away, swinging her stake between her fingers.  Buffy enjoyed her time patrolling with her little sister, and it was always fun to watch her fight whenever she actually got the chance to, which was very rare, but it seemed to make Buffy smile.  She would never put Dawn in any harm, but knew if she always stepped up in the middle of her fight, Dawn would just be furious at her.  They always went home, and Buffy would always end up going out to patrol again.  It seemed different when she patrolled by herself.  More baddies always seemed to be lurking about when she wasn't with Dawn.

When Buffy patrolled alone she always managed walking up around where Tara and her mother were.  Always noticing, fresh flowers that were recently laid, and sometimes a small note to go with them.  Most of the time though she spent her time outside of the old vacated crypt staring at it.  She never knew why she would end up there, and she never even went inside.  She always just walked around the crypt, or sat on a nearby tombstone staring at the steel door she has bashed through more then she could possibly count.  Sometimes she would see him walking ahead of her in the cemetery, or hear him fighting in the distance, but she never could catch him, never see if it was really him.  She just always felt he was always around.  When she would get home from patrol a single daisy was always discreetly placed by a small note at her front door.  Her dreams of him before she fell asleep became more romantic.  Instead of the intense primal sex they had, it seemed to be more gently, more passionate.  Her nightmares became more of him being gone, turned to dust to never to return, or just leaving her like everybody else always did, and she always found herself back out on the hunt.

I'm wondering around confused 

**_Wondering why I try_**

**_The more the you deny my pain_**

**_The more it intensifies…._**

**_I need someone to ache for me the way I ache for you…_**

****

****

            He stood there staring into her green eyes, and he could see himself there.  Reflected back at him, through her.  Her blonde hair fell softly cupping her face with this new haircut of hers, and a gentle smile crossed her face.  Then there was nothing but anger, as her hand swung from behind her with a stake aiming at his heart.  Spike flew back away from her, dodging her attack, and Clem grabbed his shoulders, and shook him out of his thoughts.

"It's okay man."  Clem said.

Spike shook his head clearing away the images of Buffy trying to kill him.  "I guess."  Spike whispered.

"You guess?  Things are different now Spike, you'll see."  Clem smiled.  "It is okay."

Clem walked away from Spike and moved into the living room to sit with his chips again as he watched his show.  Glancing every once in a while back at Spike in the bathroom to make sure he was doing fine, and the images of her weren't plaguing him.  He always had the same nightmare, and he always talked about it to Clem. For right now Spike had a plan, and had no idea if his plan would work, but he was going to die trying.

At night Spike would come home and bandage himself up right quick before leaving once again.  Sometimes Clem would accompany him, but Spike was always afraid he didn't move fast enough and Buffy would be able to catch up to him if Clem tagged along.  Every night though he would find them, and move ahead of Dawn and Buffy clearing the path of any bad guys that might be in there way.  One of the fights left Spike in pretty bad form, as some slimy green demon stabbed him with this sharp dagger that came from his hand.  Even then it didn't stop him from going out to make sure Buffy was okay after her late patrol alone.  He always had to leave a note with Buffy.  At least something small that said 'Goodnight beautiful.'

Spike looked in the mirror, and the platinum blonde blue eyed man that stared back at him still amazed him.  Every time he would stand there and stare at the man reaching out his hand slowly tapping at the glass making sure it was all real.  Clem would sit back sometimes and laugh, as he would do silly things in front of the mirror, watching himself do these ridiculous things.  On occasion his chuckling would stop and silence would fill the air, and Clem knew she was there staring back at him.

"What if she doesn't forgive me?"  Spike asked.

"Is she worth trying?"  Clem replied.

"She's worth dying."  Spike said, and tapped on the mirror one more time looking at his reflection.  After all it has been over 100 years since he saw himself.

If you ignore that I'm alive 

**_I've nothing to cling to_**

**_I stare in this mirror_**

**_So tired of this life              _**

****

****

            Buffy sat at her vanity putting on her makeup staring at herself.  She looked very tired and worn down, black circles marred her blood shot eyes.  She just hasn't been sleeping well, and the stress of everything she was doing during the day, not to mention constantly seeing Spike everywhere was starting to tell on her young face.  She stood and looked over her orange polyester pants, matching hideous stripped shirt and the stupid hat she had in her hand.  This was such a degrading job for a Slayer, but she moaned as images of bills danced in her head.

Buffy strolled down the stairs calling out to Dawn, making sure she was ready to go to the Magic Box and be with Anya for the day as Buffy worked.  They ate breakfast together, and Buffy walked Dawn to the shop before she had to get going herself.  Today was the first day back to work since everything happened.  The Doublemeat was generous enough to give her quiet a bit of time off, not knowing the full details but under the assumption that she had to fix her house and stay with her sister for a while because she found the body.  They seemed to rather understand and actually gave her a paid vacation, which was really nice for Buffy.  She took some of the time off to go find a better job, more fitting for a young woman, then greasy palace.  

Buffy had to work today from opening until closing, and was very disappointed of another sixteen-hour shift in this cardboard setting.   She called Anya sometime around nine to see if she could walk Dawn home and stay with her until she got there, which should be sometime around midnight or so.  At least she hoped it would be around midnight.  The day drug on for what seemed like eternity, and memories of the never-ending hour when she worked at the Magic Box for that one day flashed across her mind, and for some reason that seemed to make her laugh a little.  

Buffy had to work for a couple hours at the drive-thru.  It was a pretty decent change at least she was able to stick her head out the window sometimes to breath something other then decaying grease from the fryer.  The sun shined down on her face warming her up.  She loved to look out across the parking lot to the trees.  Each time she saw them they just seemed more stunning, more perfect then the last time she saw them.  The there he was right in the middle of the parking lot with the radiant sun beating down on his bleached blonde head, standing before the trees staring at her with those perfect eyes.  The change in her hand dropped to the floor with loud clings, ripping thru the silence that paralyzed the air around her.  She looked down to see the change on the ground, and then remembered he was there, only to look up for him to be gone.  

After seeing Spike in the parking lot sometimes before the sun went down made her shift pass by even longer.  Her mind was always fleeting everywhere but what she was doing at the moment.  Finally after a long day in her most uncomfortable shoes it was time to close the place up and go home.  It was already so late, and she still needed to patrol.  Buffy made sure she patrolled every single night, just to make sure.  To make sure she wasn't going insane, to make sure nobody was getting hurt, just in general to make sure everything was fine here on the Hellmouth.

She made her way home after she closed up always looking around, feeling somebody there but never finding anybody.  When she got home there was no note, or flower at her front door and her heart sunk just a little.  Whoever it was must have forgot tonight.  She walked in her house saw Anya on the couch asleep, deciding to leave her there she went upstairs and checked on Dawn before heading into her room to change.  Pulling on something a little more comfortable, and way more her, she headed out again.  She walked through the dark alleys, made her way down to the docks, and over to the cemeteries.  

Coming across the crypt she saw some vampires walking into it like they owned it.  She moved up behind the last vampire pilling into the crypt and plunged her stake right in his back.  With a murmured curse word the vampire fell to dust.  The others swung around in shock to see the Slayer standing there.

"I could be wrong."  Buffy said.  "But I don't believe any of you live in there."

"Kill her!"  The big ugly vampire at the door yelled.

Three vampires jumped at her at the same time.  With a spinning kick she managed to send one flying across the ground.  One of the vampires caught her with a backhand to the face, her weight shifting and she tripped over a rock on the ground.  The attacking girl vampire leaned down and grabbed at her shirt lifting Buffy to her feet.  Buffy grabbed the stake out of the back of her jacket and staked the girl before she got her footing, which made fall back down on her butt.  She back flipped on the ground rising to her feet, preparing for the next attack.  The next attack came with a vicious jumping front kick that sent her flying backwards once again this time over a tombstone.  She always hated hitting those damn things.  Buffy stood shaking off the pain that was ripping through her like lightning.  The large vampire approached her and she punched him in the face, followed by a back kick to the groin sending him to his knees.  A front kick to the face with a back flip caught the vampire before he made it to his knees.  Reaching down to the ground and snatching up her dropped stake she sent it through is soft skin in his back making him dust.

A bolt of pain shot through Buffy.  Her body shock violently as a vampire held a Tazer gun towards her, laughing at her violent display of pain.  She dropped to her knees in front of the vampire.  The pain was excruciating, but she held onto her screams of pain not giving in to what she knew they wanted to hear.  A Slayer screamed in pain.  The laughing vampire dropped the Tazer and his face dropped into a frown as he blew away in the wind.  Buffy collapsed face down in the cemetery grass dust and wind blowing in her eyes, a blurred vision of white and black danced over her eyes before she passed out.

If only you would speak to me or care 

**_If I'm alive_**

**_Once I swore I would die for you_**

**_But I never meant it like this_**

****

She was in her bed when she woke up.  She was dressed in the same clothes she wore to go out on patrol, and she was covered lightly under her blankets.  Her head throbbed as she sat up from her bed stripping herself of her sheets.  Blurred vision blanketed the confines of her room as she tried to get her bearing to stand up.  Her attempt was futile as she fell backwards on her bed from an initial rush of dizziness.  She leaned over slowly and grabbed the black duster off of the back of the chair and lay back down on the bed wrapping herself up in the coolness of the leather.  The material still held the faint scent of Jack Daniels and smoke, the unique scent that only belonged to her platinum haired vampire.  Curled up on her bed under the duster she resigned herself to try to stand once again in a moment.  She rolled over on her other side to stare out the window to watch the sun brighten up the day before her.  Thankful once again she was alive, even if she didn't know how she made it home.  Deep down though she knew it was him.  

On her windowsill was a single daisy and a small note.  She scooted over and this time more cautiously stood to grab what was on the ledge.  Lying back down on her bed with the duster over her she inhaled the smell of the small flower in her hand, and read the note.  It was one of the longest notes from her secret admirer.  __

_Next time you should be more careful sweetheart.  I don't want you to get hurt._

Later during the day when Buffy was feeling better and was able to stand without feeling sick or faint, she got up and went and took a shower.  After the fight last night the shower felt pretty good, soothing some of her bruises and pain.  Two little puncture marks that were now just scars were next to her belly button from where the Tazer darts inserted into her.  She finished up cleaning up, and getting dressed, being invaded sometimes with his blue eyes staring at her.  No violence in her visions this time though.  

She went downstairs and sat next to Dawn on the couch with a loud thump.  She had the day off, and even with the events of last night, she was in a good mood for some reason today.

"Why are you so cheery?"  Dawn asked.

"Can't I just be happy?"  Buffy questioned.

"You never are."  Dawn stated flatly.

"Dawn!"  Buffy was stunned.  "Well…ummm, well things are changing.  Is that all right?"

"You forgot about me last night."  Dawn said.

"I didn't forget Dawnie."  Buffy answered.  "You were asleep by the time I got home, and I didn't want to wake you."

"Did anything happen?  You have been in bed all day."  Dawn wandered.

"Nothing I couldn't take care of Dawn."  Buffy replied.

"I know he is gone."  Dawn said.

"I know you do."  Buffy whispered.

"No!  I know he is really gone.  I went to his crypt."  Dawn shouted and moved off the couch.

"You went to his crypt?"  Buffy looked up at her.

"Yes."

"Why?  Why did you go there?"  Buffy questioned.

"Am I not allowed to go there?  Were you not going to tell me he is gone?"  Dawn demanded.

"No.   No, it is nothing like that."  Buffy whispered.  "You two were friends.  I….I was going to tell you, but I don't know…I just…"

"You just weren't going to tell me he was gone."  Dawn interrupted.

"I was going to tell you, but I don't think he is gone!  Okay Dawn!"  Buffy yelled.  

Dawn left the living room and stormed through the kitchen out the backyard slamming the door behind her.  Feeling frustrated, Buffy ran her fingers through her damp hair and stood to follow here sister outside.  She opened the door and watched from the porch as Dawn sat curled up on the bench outside crying.  She moved over to her sister and sat next to her carefully putting her arm around her.

"Why did you go there Dawn?"  Buffy asked again.

"I just wanted to know."  Dawn cried out in anger.

"Wanted to know what honey?"  Buffy whispered.

Dawn shook her head and more tears ran down her face.  Buffy cradled her close to her and began rocking her gently, making soothing sounds trying to comfort her baby sister.

"Come on Dawnie.  Wanted to know what?"  Buffy cooed.

"I wanted to know why he did that to you."  Dawn whispered.

Buffy tensed at the thought her sister was going to confront Spike about what happened.  She wanted to be so protectful, she always wanted to know all the answers to everything.

"I wanted to know why if he loved you so much, why he would hurt you."  Dawn explained.

"Oh Dawn, sweetie."  Buffy answered.  

She leaned her head down and kissed the top of her sister's brown hair.  Trying to calm her tears as she cried in her arms.  Buffy squeezed her tighter to her, trying not to squeeze her too much so not to hurt her.

"I…I am not sure Dawn."  Buffy stuttered.  "Maybe sometimes….sometimes you people just love somebody so much that they become blinded from what is right and what is wrong.  I don't know though.  Feelings like love are funny things, very powerful.  Sometimes too powerful."

"Do you think he can?"  Dawn asked.

"Can what?"  Buffy wandered.

"Do you really think Spike, a vampire, can love?"  Dawn questioned.

Buffy let go of Dawn and looked at her face.  Her hand moved up to her sister's face and whipped at the falling tears.

"I know he loves you.  With all that he can, I know Spike loves you."  Buffy stated.  "He would do anything for you, he loves you so much.  You are his little 'Nibblet.'"  
  
"So even though he is a vampire he can still love?"  Dawn kept prodding.

"I think Spike is just a very strange vampire, capable of many different things."  Buffy responded.

"It would have been nice if you would have thought of that before."  Dawn smiled and settled back into her sister's arms.

"Before."  Buffy sighed.

"Do you think he loves you?"  Dawn whispered.

Buffy and Dawn sat in silence.  Dawn's last question weighted on the air that surrounded both of the young women. They both sat on the bench in silence staring out over their garden.  This was the first time Buffy had been in the backyard since she was shot back here weeks ago.  So much of their house has been vacant since that fateful day that changed everything.  Buffy kissed her sister on her head once again and unwrapped herself from her arms walking back into the house.  She stopped for a moment at the door and glanced back at her sister still on the bench staring at the spot on the grass that was once filled with blood from her older sister.

"Are you coming in Dawn?"  Buffy asked.

"Are you gonna answer my question?"  Dawn never looked up at her.

Buffy just smiled back at her sister, left the door open and walked back into the house.  She went over to the fridge and grabbed a soda making her way back to the living room to pop in a movie.  She was going to make the most of her day off before she had to go back to work tomorrow.  Buffy had just enough time to watch her movie, and get her and her sister over to Willow's house for a big group dinner.  It was only going to pizza, but they were all finally getting back together for a little bit.  She finished watching her movie eventually Dawn joined her on the couch.  The over hanging question wasn't brought up again.  At least not for right now anyways.  

They both got ready to go over to Willows house, fighting for bathroom time just like sisters do.  They stopped by and picked up Anya from the shop.  She was closing down early so she could be part of the pizza party at Willow's house.  Nobody was allowed to miss this event.  Halfway there Buffy needed to turn around and go back to the house.  She bought a small little gift for Willow.  Nothing big or anything like that, just a small thing she was even thinking about leaving it secretly behind when she left.  She wouldn't be long she just needed to run back to the house right quick.

I don't know it I'm real without you 

**_What is left of me without you?_**

**_I don't know what's real without you_**

**_How can I exist without you?_**

****

Buffy ran up the couple steps to her porch, key in the door, and she froze.  Her muscles tensed, her eyes shut and his words fluttered through her body.

"I know things won't ever be the same, and I don't want them to."  Spike said.  "I want you to know I am sorry."

Her head dropped and tears started swelling up behind her eyes.  Her hand gripped at the key almost snapping it.  She was afraid to turn around.  Afraid he wouldn't be really there standing there talking to her, and afraid also he was there.  She has seen him so many places, during the day and at night, all over, but it was never true.  This was different.  This was him standing so close to him she could feel him, but he felt so different.  This was him taking to her with the same old accent he has always had, but different words dripped from his lips.

"There are not enough ways, or enough time in this world to apologize for what I have done.  I would understand if you didn't ever forgive me.  I would understand if you didn't want to turn and look at me right now."  Spike whispered.

Buffy let go of the key slowly opened her eyes looking down at her feet.  The tears blurred her vision, and she brought her hand up to whip them away so she could see if this was true.  She turned around gracefully and looked up.  He wasn't there.  

_Of course not Buffy, not during the day…_  Spike moved out from behind the tree standing in the light of the sun.  He was covered with no blanket he only wore the same old black jeans and a tight black shirt.  His alabaster skin glistened in the sun like a marble statue.  Buffy was lost in the vision of him before her.

"I can understand it all Buffy.  Nothing you ever did or didn't do made you deserve what I did to you.  I broke a trust, something I can never fix.  I know I destroyed what was between us, and I should never ask for your forgiveness.  I have no right, and I would walk away from you if I could, but I can't.  I never could walk away from you.  You have invaded my entire being.  I have no right to ask you for forgiveness for what I have done, but I am different now."  Spike moved closer to her, standing on the stairs of her porch in front of her.  "I did it all for you because I love you enough to be the man you need to be."

"You aren't real."  Buffy stammered.  "You can't be in the sun."

"I am real.  I am here and still in love with you."  Spike said.

Spike carefully reached out and grabbed her hand placing it on his chest.  She flinched from the feel of his heart beating beneath her hand and she stared up into his eyes.

"How?"  Is all Buffy could say.

He leaned down and placed a chaste kiss on her lips and she closed his eyes at the feel of him.  This was so different it was almost, almost warm.  

"I can't exist without you."  Spike pulled from her lips, and with a whispered, 'I'm sorry' in her ear he left her on the balcony.

Buffy opened her eyes, and he was no longer there.  Licking her lips she could still taste his sweetness.  Dropping her head to cry she saw a single daisy and a small note at her feet.  Bending over to pick it up she walked over to the swinging bench on her porch whipping the tears from her eyes, so she could read the note.  Breathing in the daisy like she always did, she couldn't stop her tears this time as they fell from the words on the paper.

It wasn't a dream luv.  I'm here and still in love pet.  More then ever before my Buffy.  My Slayer.


	3. Out of the Shadows

Out of the Shadows 

            Buffy and Dawn stood at their mother's grave together.  This was the first time they have both come to visit her together.  Two fresh bouquets laid at their feet, a dozen purple roses and six yellow daisies.  The letter between them looked worn, the small ink of their mothers name faded into the paper.  Dawn kneeled down running her fingers over the fresh bouquets and placed her lily across them.  She rose back up to her feet dancing her fingers over the engraved words on the stone of her mother's tombstone.

"I love you mom."  Dawn whispered as she stood.

Buffy wrapped an arm around her little sister tugging her into a small hug.  Dawn glanced over at Tara's grave and then looked back at Buffy.  Buffy stood there staring at the tombstone before her, and the fresh flowers.  Every time she would walk by and see them here a smile would cross her face, this time was no different.  Dawn nudged at her a little breaking her from whatever thoughts she was having.  Buffy noticed Dawn was fidgeting in her arms, and shook her head letting Dawn go so she could go over to be with Tara for a little bit.  Dawn leaned in and kissed her sister's cheek before turning and walking away.

"She really misses her, Mom."  Buffy said as she watched Dawn walk across the cemetery.  "Probably as much as she misses you.  Those two were so close."  
  
Dawn walked across the cemetery over to Tara's grave.  The closer she came the slower her strides were.  She became almost hesitant as she walked up and cautiously reached her hand out and laid it on Willow's shoulder.  This was the first time since they buried Tara Willow has come to visit.  It has been almost two months too, and pretty much the entire time Willow stayed inside her house, never wanting to come out.  So today, was a big group outing, supporting each other, mainly supporting Willow as she talked to Tara.  

Willow looked up in Dawn's face, and started crying reaching her hand up on top of Dawn's squeezing it softly.  Dawn leaned down and sat next to Willow, wrapping her arm around her.  Willow laid her head down on Dawn's shoulder and tried to whip her tears from her face.  She just hasn't been able to stop crying since she took her first step into the cemetery.  Dawn rocked with her gently, making soothing noises, trying to reassure her friend.  Both of their conversations to Tara were spoken in silence as they sat together at her grave.  __

Buffy sat at her mother's grave still saying everything she needed to tell her.  She needed to tell somebody about everything happening with Spike, and she knew her mother would enjoy the fact that Spike was able to stand outside in the sunlight.  It was still unbelievable to Buffy that she saw him that day, even though she hadn't seen him since she knew it all really happened.  She wanted to tell Dawn so badly about it, but didn't want Dawn trying to go out find where he was.  Telling her mother though was just different.  Buffy jumped when she felt a warm hand graze over her shoulder.  Turning around Xander stood behind her smiling down at her.  Buffy took his hand and he helped raise her to her feet.  

"Goodbye Mom, see you soon." Buffy said as she glanced back over her shoulder, and out of the corner of her eye there he stood holding a single daisy between his fingers.

"What is it Buf?"  Xander asked looking back at her frozen form.

"Uh?"  Buffy mumbled.

Xander placed his hand on her chin and turned her to face him.  "Buf, what is it?"  Xander smiled letting go of her chin.

Buffy turned her head to see him one more time but he was already gone.  "Oh, uh, nothing."  Buffy turned back towards Xander.  "Nothing."

Xander and Buffy walked over to Dawn and Willow sitting at Tara's grave.  Buffy let go of Xander's hand and kneeled down next to Willow wrapping her arms around her friend and Xander sat behind the three girls and wrapped his arms around all three of them.  Willow turned her head into Buffy's shoulder and started crying harder, broken tears of 'I'm sorry, and 'please forgive me' came out in muffled sobs.  Buffy embraced her a little tighter and tried to calm her again.  All her friends knew this was going to be hard for her to deal with, but they knew she needed to come.  

"It's alright."  Buffy cooed.  "Everything is alright."

They all sat in a huddle of hugs at Tara's grave, holding each other, letting Willow cry until she felt, at least for the day anyways she had no more tears to cry.  One by one they stood up, and let Willow say her final goodbye for now laying her flower down next to the fresh bouquet on the grass.  Buffy wrapped her arm in Willow's and they turned around and started walking away.  Dawn moved in step with the two friends and grabbed Willow's pale weak hand in hers.  Over the past two months Willow had barely ate, or barely done anything at all and she has grown so tired and weak all the time.  Nobody said anything to her about it, but in subtle ways tried to get her to eat and do stuff.  Xander walked behind the girls, and they all headed back to Willow's home.  For today this was enough, tomorrow they will try to get her to do something different.

Dawn and Buffy stayed over at Willow's until the sun went down, leaving Xander there with her until she goes to sleep.  That is the way it has pretty much been since it all happened.  Somebody always stayed with Willow until she fell asleep.  Just recently has she been letting Buffy or Dawn stay with her.  Somebody was always with Willow all of the time, even Anya had come over to make sure she was doing okay.  

            Buffy and Dawn walked up their front porch and a single daisy and a note lying next to the front door.  Dawn reached down and picked it up smelling the daisy then handing it over to her sister.  A small smile creped up on Buffy's face as she took the flower from Dawn, and tried to reach for the note.  Dawn spun out of her reach and moved away from quickly taking the note from the small card it was in.  She read the note with a smile and then stopped and stood staring at her sister. Buffy reached out and grabbed the note from her, read it and moved over to the door.  She unlocked the door and walked in leaving Dawn on the porch frozen silence.  

Buffy was at the top of the stairs when Dawn walked through the door and looked up at her departing sister.

"It's from him, isn't it?"  Dawn asked.

Buffy stopped walking and took in a deep breath.  She grabbed the railing in her fist and tried to still herself.  She didn't know if she should tell Dawn what is going on, at least not yet.  Buffy walked down the hall and heard Dawn running up the stairs as she stepped through the doorway to her room.  Dawn stopped just short of her sister's door and stared at her back.  She wouldn't even turn to look at her; she just threw the note and flower at her vanity and grabbed the door handle.

"Please Buffy."  Dawn implored.

"You should get ready so we can go."  Buffy said as she shut the door to her room.

Dawn stormed down the hall to her room, shouting at her sister as she slammed the door.  Buffy leaned against her closed door and shuddered at the sound of the loud thud that thundered through their house.  She walked over to her vanity and picked up the flower to take in its scent.  Putting down the flower and picking up the note she walked over to her closet to pick out some clothes for tonight's training and patrol.  She grabbed a pair of workout pants, and a comfortable short sleeve shirt and threw the clothes on her bed.  She threw the note on the vanity with the flower and got dressed.  Tonight she was going to tell Dawn about Spike.  

            Both the girls were training in the back part of the Magic Box.  Tonight Buffy made Dawn work on the punching bag as she tried to meditate in the corner.  The sounds of the punching bag stopped abruptly and silence took over the training room.  

"Can I ask you a question?"  Dawn inquired.

"Does it have to be now?"  Buffy asked.

"Yes."  Dawn said.

"Is it about the notes?"  Buffy questioned.

"No!  Like you would tell me anyways."  Dawn mumbled.

Buffy opened her eyes and looked at her sister standing next to the punching bag almost out of breath.  They both stared at each other until Buffy broke the silence.  "Are you gonna ask Dawnie?"

"Where did the fresh flowers come from at mother's and Tara's graves?"  Dawn wandered.

Buffy uncrossed her legs and leaned back a little wrapping her arms around her legs.  Dawn watched as her sister tensed and hugged herself into a small tiny 'Slayer ball' and sat down on the ground next to the bag cross-legged.  She looked into her older sister's eyes as she took in a big deep breath.

"Dawn, now if I tell you something, you have to promise that you won't freak out or anything like that."  Buffy stated.

"Why would I freak out?"  Dawn asked.

"Just no kinda freakin.  I mean nothing, and you have to promise."  Buffy forced.

"Fine. Fine.  I promise no matter what you tell me I won't do any kind of freaking."  Dawn whined as she raised her right hand over her heart.

Buffy glared at her small sister and took in another deep breath.  She didn't know why this was so damn hard to tell her sister.

"Okay, here it is."  Buffy inhaled.  "Spike is back."

"Yeah I kinda already know that one."  Dawn smiled.

"You don't know though that he is back and can walk in the sunlight."  Buffy said.

"Well he has always walked in the sunlight with a blanket."  Dawn said.

"Are you going to keep interrupting me Dawn?"  Buffy asked.

"I'm sorry, go on."  Dawn said.

"Okay.  Well you know how we have been seeing him everywhere all the time.  Well he is back, but I don't know where he is.  Remember that day we went to Willow's a couple weeks ago and I forgot that gift and ran home.  Well he was there behind the tree.  He stepped out from the tree in the sun, no blanket, no cover, nothing and just stood right in the sun.  He came up and talked to me on the porch.  He has a heartbeat and breath, and he feels so different, and he is the one…..the one, that…well the one that…."  Buffy stuttered.  "He's the one that has been leaving the bouquets with mom and Tara.  He is the one leaving me the notes and the flowers.  He's the one."

"The one what?"  Anya interrupted.

Buffy looked up in surprise.  She didn't even hear Anya walk through the door, and before she knew it Dawn was speaking.  

"Spike's the one."  Dawn whispered.

"Spike?"  Anya muffled became uncomfortable and walked back out of the weight room.

Buffy and Dawn just looked at each other.  Neither of them noticed Anya walking back fidgeting with her hands.  She stood between the two sisters', turned towards Buffy and looked down at her.

"I'm sorry Buffy.  I didn't know you two were….well you two were a thing…."

"Not a thing."  Buffy interrupted.

"Well whatever, I am sorry.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I didn't mean to hurt anybody.  It was just, just…..it was just we both needed to feel better, and if I would have know he was talking about you.  I should have known he was talking about you, he always talked about you….I should have known.  I'm just….just sorry, okay.  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sleep with him."  Anya rambled out, and before Buffy could say anything she was back out in the shop with the door shut behind her.

Buffy looked over at Dawn and rose to her feet.  She walked out of the room shutting the door behind her, and Dawn stood up and started punching at the bag again.  A small knock at the back door shook Dawn from her concentration on the bag.  She grabbed a sword off the wall and warily moved towards the door, opening it cautiously.  She stepped in front of the open door and froze, she couldn't move.  The sword fell to the ground with a thundering echo.

"Well aren't you going to invite me in Nibblet?"  Spike asked.

            In the shop of the Magic Box Buffy found Anya moving around the shop cleaning up what all the customers of the day messed with.  Buffy moved over to the table and sat at one of the benches and stared as Anya walked around to the other side of the shelves.  The place looked a lot better, it still needed a little work here and there, but it didn't look a tornado came down inside of it anymore.

"Will you please sit down An?"  Buffy questioned.

She could hear Anya stop moving behind the shelf, and felt her moving closer to her.  Now that Anya was back to being Anyanka, Buffy has been able to sense her a lot better, just not all the time.  Anya came around the corner fidgeting her finger in the feathers of the duster.  She looked up at Buffy for a moment, then blushed and looked back down at the floor as she moved over to the other bench on the other side of the table.  Anya threw the duster on the table and folded her hands together.

"So, ummm how's Willow doing?"  Anya wandered.

"She's doing the same as when you saw her yesterday."  Buffy smiled.  "I didn't come in here to talk about her though."

"I…I know.  You want to talk about Spike."  Anya said.

"Well, yeah."  Buffy whispered.

"I did not mean to sleep with him.  It is not because I hate you or anything."  Anya said.  "I did it because…"

"I know why you did it Anya.  It's okay….well I mean it's not really okay, but I understand.  Spike and I are….well are in a difficult situation."  Buffy said and began fidgeting herself.

"If I would have known you have feelings for him…."  

"I don't…I mean I do, but…but things are just complicated."  Buffy stuttered.

"Because of what happened?"  Anya asked.

"A lot has happened, but it is me.  Things are just complicated because of me, and now…now things have changed."  Buffy said.

"Because he has a soul?"  Anya questioned.

"Yea…..what, how….when did you see him?"  Buffy looked shocked, confused.  She had no idea anybody else knew he was here.

"Well….I mean he has come here and apologized for, well you know, and we talked about it, and he helped me fix up some stuff."  Anya replied.

"You have talked to him?"  Buffy asked.

"Yeah, we talked.  He told me what happened in Africa…"  
  
"Africa?"  Buffy interrupted.

"Yes, that is where he got his soul.  He came here and we just talked one day.  He said he was going to see you.  He hasn't seen you yet?"  Anya wandered.

"Well he has seen me, but…..but it was…it was kind of brief and he…..he had the heartbeat and the breathing and things are so…..so different now."  Buffy stammered over the words.

"He doesn't feel like he deserves you anymore, but he still loves you."  Anya offered.

"You know about that?"  Buffy cried.

"I was able to feel the pain inside him, and see what happened.  He was hurting…and…"  Anya said and gestured at herself making a small demon growl.

Buffy whipped the couple tears that fell down her cheeks aside and stood from the table and walked over to the door.  "I don't really deserve him either."  Buffy said as she opened the door.

Anya stood up from her seat looking at Buffy.  "You know demons can love!"  Anya shouted and Buffy turned in the open doorway and stared back at her.  "I still love Xander." 

Buffy smiled back at her demon friend standing in the middle of the Magic Box.  She didn't see Spike hugging her sister goodbye and walking out the back door.  Just as Dawn turned from the steel door leading into the alley, Buffy walked in the room and shut the door.  She moved over to the couch that had her bag in it and grabbed it up indicating to Dawn it was time to leave.  Dawn couldn't stop smiling as she followed her sister out through the shop saying goodbye to Anya for the night.  They both walked thru the cemetery on patrol together finding a couple vampires here and there to stake.  Dawn actually got to dust a couple tonight and Buffy couldn't be more proud of her then she was tonight.  Both a little tired from the events they headed back to Revello Drive.

"I know you shouldn't forgive him, but you both need each other."  Dawn blurted out.

"Where did that come from?"  Buffy asked looking at her sister, for the first time noticing her smile.

"He stopped by tonight."  Dawn smiled.

"He was at the Magic Box?  When?"  Buffy questioned.

"When you were in talking to Anya."  Dawn told her.

"What did he say?"  Buffy asked.

"He said a lot, but what's important is what you said not too long ago."  Dawn said.

"And what was it that I said that is about to bite me in the ass?"  Buffy smiled.

"Love makes you do the crazy."  Dawn offered.

"You heard that?"  Buffy laughed.

"Just because I don't listen, doesn't mean I don't hear."  Dawn smiled.  "You both deserve each other even though neither of you think you do for one reason or the other, you do.  He is what you need Buffy and now he has a soul, a heartbeat, and breath."

"That is no reason to love somebody."  Buffy said.

"No its not.  You love somebody because you love somebody, because you need them and want them.  You forgive somebody because it hurts too much not to.  He changed to be a better man for you, and even that isn't a reason to love somebody, but loving somebody shouldn't be a regret that wears on your shoulders because you are afraid."  Dawn said.

"How did you get so smart?"  Buffy smiled.

"From listening to you and Spike."  Dawn laughed.

They walked inside their house both heading to their individual rooms.  Dawn stood watching, as Buffy was just about to shut her door and stopped her, pulling a daisy and a note from her pocket.

"Buffy!  He wanted me to give you this."  Dawn said handing her the small tokens.

Buffy took them from her and said goodnight to her sister one last time before heading back into her room.  While shutting the door Dawn's voice echoed through her mind with her last words of the night.

"Demons can love."  Dawn offered.  "Spike loves me."

            Buffy sat on her bed holding the new daisy and note in her hand.  Over the past month and a half she has at the very least gotten this at least once a day.  She hated throwing the flowers away but she had to throw some of them away.  A small box began to fill with the left notes and a few small dried daises inside.  She smelled the flower in her hand and placed it on the lid of the box and opened the small note.

Tomorrow luv, please.  At the park at noon pet.

            Buffy could barely sleep through night.  She tossed and turned with images of the times she has spent with him in the past.  She went over everything in her mind.  The first time she met him in the dark alley behind the Bronze applauding her for dusting his minion, the threat of killing her spilling from his lips.  Their first fight, many of the others they have had since.  Their first kiss when she felt so sorry for him after the pain he went through for her, and then when he told her he loved her.  The words he used, he was so passionate.  The first real passionate kiss, not counting the time they were under the spell, but the one that was behind the Bronze.  Kind of a fitting place to have their first passionate kiss she mussed, you know it being the first place they met.  The thoughts of all the times they spent alone, intimately alone.  Her body tensed and shivered as she started remembering what it felt like for him to be buried inside her filling her up.  He was so amazing being inside of her.  He knew how to move in her, was able to handle the strength she bottled up when she was with a human.

"Oh my God!"  Buffy shot up in her bed.  "He's human now."

The next morning did not come quick enough for Buffy and all she did all morning was change her clothes and stare at the clock, watching it click by very slowly.  Time seemed to absolutely stop as her and Dawn sat in the kitchen.

"You know the clock isn't going to move any faster if you stare at it like that."  Dawn said.

Buffy just sat there then got up and ran upstairs.  A few minutes later she came running down the stairs blowing into the kitchen with yet another outfit on.  Red leather pants and a white spaghetti strap shirt, her hair down and curling under her face.

"How does this look?"  Buffy asked.

"It looked just as good as the outfit before that, and the one before that one, and the five others before that one."  Dawn smiled.

Buffy moved over to the fridge and grabbed the orange juice out and poured herself a glass.  Putting it back away and walking to sit down at the table with Dawn.  Dawn sat staring at her tapping her fingers on the table.  A few minutes of that and Buffy slapped her hand over Dawn's quieting the room once again.

"Do you have to do that?"  Buffy asked.

"What are you gonna say?"  Dawn ignored her question.

"Are you going to stop with the tapping?"  Buffy asked.

"I've already stopped."  Dawn smiled and slipped her hand out from under Buffy's.  "What are you gonna say?"

"I don't know."  Buffy said and stood up running back up the stairs.

Buffy ran down the stairs this time in a pale yellow sundress.  Her tanned body seemingly darker under the garment, and white low strappy heels, making her look taller then she really was.  Her hair pulled back away from her face with little bit of strands cupping around her face.  She stood in the kitchen and noticed Dawn wasn't there anymore and ran into the living room.

"How about this one?"  Buffy asked as she spun around and the dress lifted slightly from her legs.

"You look beautiful Buffy."  Dawn said.  "Stop changing it is almost time for you to leave."

"What time is it?"  Buffy asked.

"It's 11:30.  You need to leave really soon."  Dawn stated.

Buffy moved to the door grabbing her keys and sunglasses from the end table and opening the door.

"What are you gonna say?"  Dawn hollered.

"I don't know!"  Buffy yelled back shutting the door as she walked out of the house.

            Buffy walked through the park impatiently looking around to see where Spike was.  She stopped for a moment and looked around at all the children playing in the park and watched as they all ran around chasing one another.  Spike moved out of the shadows of the tree and stood behind her in the sunlight.

"I'm glad you came Buffy."  Spike smiled.

Her knees felt weak as her name dripped over his lips.  Spike felt like his chest was going to explode staring at her gorgeous body in the sunlight.  She was so amazing, but the light made her look like a fallen angel the gods were asking to come back home.  Both of them caught their breath in their throat as their thoughts took them away for a moment.  Buffy turned on her heel to look at him and her heart began to race as his pale face lit up in the sun.  She lifted her glasses to see him better and he got lost in her eyes.  He could tell she wanted to say something.

"What are going to say, luv?"  Spike questioned.

"I….I don't know."  Buffy whispered.

"Maybe you wanna ask me something pet?"  Spike wandered.

Buffy laid her small hand on his chest and felt his beating heart thunder under his warm flesh.  "Are you….are you…"

"Am I human?"  Spike interrupted.

"Yeah are you human?"  Buffy mumbled.

"Just because I have a soul and heartbeat?"  Spike asked.

"Yeah…I mean…I mean no."  Buffy muttered.  "I was just, just wandering."

"Would it change anything if I were human?"  Spike inquired.

"I don't know.  I don't think so."  Buffy said.

"Would you miss this?"  Spike asked shaking his head morphing into the vampire he is.

Buffy gasped and slid her hand up his chest, feeling his pulse at his neck as she grazed her fingertips over the lumps of his face.  Feeling the monster that lurked behind the man he is.

"It's part of you and I…..I would miss you."  Buffy cried.  "I missed you."

"I missed you too."  Spike said.  He shook his head again shaking off the demon.  His face was perfect, pale from over a 100 years of darkness as he leaned into her lips hesitantly.

Spike stopped right before he touched her lips with his.  Buffy moved her hand to the back of his neck and pulled him down caressing his bottom lip with her tongue asking for entrance.  Spike obliged and opened up to her tasting her purely for the first time, out in the sun, the way she deserved to be tasted.  She poured herself into him, gave him what she has been holding back since their first kiss.  She gave him all of her, her pain, her want, her need and passion, and her love.  Spike broke from her lips needing to take a breath.  

Buffy leaned into his chest and listened to his heartbeat and began to cry in his arms.  Spike held her a little tighter to him.

"What is it luv?"  Spike asked.

"It hurts."  Buffy whimpered.

"What hurts?"  Spike was concerned and moved her face to look down into her eyes.

"It hurts not to forgive you.  It hurts not to forgive myself."  Buffy cried.

"I know it hurts."  Spike offered.  "I hurt too.  I will walk away if you want me to Buffy.  I know I hurt you."

Spike let go of her and started to back away, and Buffy stood there staring into his blue eyes.  He moved into the shadows of the trees, fading away into the darkness.

"Spike!"  Buffy yelled before he was gone.

Spike stopped in the shadows and watched as Buffy began walking towards him slowly.  Each foot moving in front of the other as her hips swayed in the light.  The few strands of hair bounced around her face as she moved closer to him and into the shadows with him.

"Do you really want to walk in the shadows with me Buffy?"  Spike asked.

"Do you really want to walk in the daylight with me Spike?"  Buffy retorted.

"I would want to walk through Hell if I thought for one moment I would be able to do it with you."  Spike said.  

"I guess love just make you do the crazy."  Buffy smiled.

"Love hurts."  Spike whispered and moved closer to her dipping his head down to hers.  Buffy closed her eyes and felt his lips gently caress her bottom lip warming up her senses, sending shivers down her spine, making her heart melt.  He pulled away moving his lips to her ear nipping at the tender skin of her earlobe and at her neck, feeling her pulse beneath his lips.

"It hurts in all the right places."  Spike whispered to her.

When Buffy opened her eyes he was gone.

What You Deserve

            Spike stood in the middle of Main Street leaning up against a tree smoking his cigarette.  Buffy couldn't help but smile as she strolled up over to him wrapping her arms around his warm body.  She still hasn't gotten used to feeling him warm against her, or seeing him in the sun like this.  Like he was just "normal."  He took her cheek in his hand and pulled her face to his in a gentle kiss.  Their tongues massaged each other's and Buffy pulled on his coat trying to get closer into the kiss, moaning into his mouth.  He broke from her lips and she ran kisses down his neck feeling his pulse beneath her lips.

"It won't last forever."  She heard him say.

What won't last forever?"  Buffy asked as she licked on the sensitive skin just under his ear.

He grabbed her hand and placed it on his chest.  The steady rise and fall of his chest as his heart thundered beneath fluttered through Buffy's hand and up her body.  A shy smile grazed over her features at the feel of it all and she moved over his lips gently kissing his bottom lip as she moved to the other side of his neck.  He pushed firmly on her hand on his chest as he felt her lips tickle his neck up to his other ear again.

"This won't last forever."  He said firmly holding her hand on his chest.  "It won't always beat."

Buffy opened her eyes and saw brown where there should have been blonde.  Her hand stopped moving in unison with his chest, and the heartbeat stopped pounding.  She froze realizing his arm was no longer wrapped around her waist, and the grip of his hand clenched to hers was tighter, practically hurting her.  She tried to step back but he yanked her to him, and her eyes met dark piercing brown ones.

"It didn't with me."  Angel snarled as he ripped her body close to his crushing her small form to him.  "I gave it all back to be a monster again, remember?"  

Buffy tried to break free from his hold on her, but was too weak to push him off of her.  She shook her head, shaking in fear as his face went from the angelic look of a man to the monster that lied behind the mask and his fangs plunged down into her neck.  Her eyes squeezed shut and the piercing pain at her neck went away, her hand was free, and she could no longer feel him holding her.  She hesitantly opened her eyes afraid he would still be there in front of her.  She was no longer in Sunnydale she guessed.  Everything was open around her; miles of sand were at her feet, behind and before her. There was no ocean, just vacant earth surrounding her.  A small hill stood before her with glowing red tinge lighting behind it.  She made her way over to the hill turning around the corner seeing a tall woman standing in a black dress.  Her hair was short and brown, the dress coming down to her bare feet, with a slit riding back up to her hip.  Buffy prepared herself to fight if needing to as she moved around the woman to see who she was.

"Don't you know he did it for you?  They all do it for you."  Cordelia said.

"Did what I don't understand."  Buffy cried.  "What did they do for me?"

Cordelia leaned down next to the fire warming her in the radiant heat.  She looked up at Buffy tilting her head in confusion as Buffy stared down at her.  

"They do everything for you.  They give you what you deserve."  Cordelia said.

Cordelia disappeared into the fire right in front of Buffy.  She leaned over the flames and try to figure out was happening when she felt a tap on her shoulder.  Buffy flung around and saw Willow standing behind.  Willow turned away from her and started walking over to the blue ocean.  The waves crashed against her ankles as she walked through the small tide coming up the beach.

"Will…"

Willow turned to Buffy when she started to speak bringing her finger up to her own lips.  "Shhhh, Buffy not now."  Willow whispered.

Buffy walked behind her following her, hoping sometime soon things would start to make sense to her.  Willow stopped abruptly and Buffy slammed into her as she was taken from her thoughts with the sudden stop.  Willow turned back to face her friend then pointed out into the middle of the ocean.  Huge mountains covered the sides of the shores and gigantic waves crashed into the hard earth.  Over the ocean in the stillness of the deep stood Spike and Angel dancing over the water.

"They do."  Willow said turning away from her friend.

Buffy glanced over at Willow and then back over to the ocean, but Spike and Angel were gone.  The ocean stood still in blackness out in the middle as the wind started to pick up around the two friends.

"What is going on Willow?"  Buffy asked.  "I don't understand."

"Of course you don't Buffy.  You don't see what is in front of you."  Willow stated.

Willow vanished and the ocean was gone.  Buffy stood in the forest, wryly trees and twisted branches surrounded her, and the green darkness swarmed her being.  The forest was vacant of sound nothing to make it seem like she wasn't alone.  She started walking through the forest trying to find somebody, anybody even if she didn't know them.  She just wanted to figure out what was going on.  She made her way slowly through the forest pushing away the vines and branches, trying to make her way to wherever she was suppose to go.  

"You never see do you Buffy?"  A voice crashed from behind her.  She turned quickly and saw the tall dark form of Angel walking away from her.  She ran to catch him but there were too many things blocking her path.  She couldn't keep up with him; she stopped in frustration at a small clearing.  No longer able to see Angel she turned to walk the way she came.  Spike stood in front of her in blue jeans a red shirt and sunglasses blocking his gorgeous blue eyes.  Buffy lunged into his arms wrapping her tiny arms around his waist pulling him into her grasp.  She hid her face in his chest and started to cry, confusion wrapping around her mind.

"You do deserve it, luv."  Spike whispered in her ear.

"Deserve what, Spike?"  Buffy asked.

"Do you really think he deserves you?"  Xander asked, anger pouring from his words.  "After what he did to you, do you think a soul make him deserve you?"

Buffy moved out from his arms and looked at Xander's face.  His anger flashed and marred over his features as he waited for her response.  Buffy backed away staring at Xander as he leaned back against a tombstone crossing his arms over his chest staring at Buffy.

"She deserves to be happy."  Anya said as she walked towards them through the cemetery.  Buffy turned around sharply and watched as Anya walked up to her and put her arm around Buffy's shoulders.  "They always give her everything but in the end she doesn't get to enjoy it."

Xander grabbed Buffy's arm and pulled her out of Anya's grasp over to him capturing her in his arms.  Buffy tried to break free from his arms but Xander was much stronger then her.  Buffy tried to scream to get him to let go but nothing came from her mouth.  Her eyes pleaded for Anya to help her but she just stood there watching Xander hold Buffy to him.  

"You want this life Slayer?"  Harsh words swam over her ears and a rough sharp tongue poked at her neck.  Buffy turned to see what Xander was doing, but the face was old and wrinkled.  The eyes piercing back at her were sharp yellow, stinging through Buffy's fear as the Master stared at her.  Buffy pushed away from him and the Master just watched as she backed away.  No longer in the cemetery but a lonely dark stoned house, full of ancient paintings and marble statues Buffy backed away from the Master carefully, never leaving her eyes from his.  Her hand moved up her neck slowly moving towards the old scars at her neck.  A cold hand grabbed hers and stopped her before she was able to touch the old wounds.

"I told you they were not worthy."  Dracula slithered.  His hand overlapping her own and moving it down her body roaming over her breasts and belly, wrapping around her waist.  "I told you, you had no idea what you are."  He lowered his head down to her neck kissing over her pulse and his fangs dug through her flesh.  Her blood poured into his mouth, over his cool lips.  Buffy leaned back against Dracula's form, and he held her up catching her weight in his arms.  Her eyes shut as the pain ripped through her very being.

"Still want a little monster in your man, Buff?"  Riley questioned.

Buffy opened her eyes when she heard Riley's voice echo through her ears.  He stood before her with his arms crossed over his chest.  Buffy started to go to him, but shackles held her against a stone wall.  The room they were in was empty and cleaner then the last room.  It had a fireplace in it, which warmed the air around them, but the chains around her wrist were cold and ancient.  She pulled on them trying to break free, to go to Riley.  A blonde woman moved behind Riley gliding her hand over his chest.  As she moved her lips closer to his neck, her face shifted into a vampire's mask and her fangs dug into his neck feeding off of him.  As she watched a hand that roamed over her back tickling her spine made her shiver.  The chains were too strong to get away from whoever was behind her, trying to grab her.  The hands moved around her body, the dark hair dipping under her chained arms.  Angel stood in front of her blocking her view of Riley and the female vampire at his neck.  Angel grabbed her face in his hands and pulled her towards his lips.  Lingering at her lips with his own, her body tensed and she pulled harder at the shackles trying to break free.

"It's different isn't it, Buffy?"  Giles asked.

Buffy opened her eyes and saw Angel staring back at her.  He inhaled sharply and roughly let go of her face and backed away walking straight past Giles.  Riley and the vampire were gone.  The chains that held her to the wall had vanished and Angel disappeared into the stacks in the library that was once in her old high school.  Giles sat at the table that always stood in the middle of the library.  Buffy slowly moved closer to him wandering what was going on.  Looking around the library amazed it was still here.  

"Giles, what is going on?"  Buffy asked.

"A change."  Giles responded.  "Everything is so different isn't it, Buffy?"

Buffy shrugged.  "Everything has been different for a long time, Giles.  You know that."  Buffy answered.

"Yes I did, but did you?  Do you really see the change?  Do you really see him this time?"  Giles wandered.

"See who Giles?  I don't understand what is going on."  Buffy shouted.

"Me."  Spike said as he walked through the door of the library.  "Do you really see the change in me?"

"Yeah, of course."  Buffy said agitatedly.  "You can walk in the sunlight.  I see it."

"That is not who he really is."  Angel said as he stood at the top balcony in front of the stacks.  Buffy turned quickly facing him and looked to Giles trying to find out what was going on.  Giles stood there in silence staring back at his slayer.

"He's a monster."  Xander offered as he stepped through Giles' office door with the face of a vampire.

"He's a demon."  Anya stated as she walked past Buffy brushing hard up against her staring into her eyes with her ancient demon mask etched on her face.  Anya moved over to Xander and he wrapped his arm around her.

"He's giving you what you deserve."  Cordelia said moving out from behind Angel wrapping her arm in with his.

"A little monster in your man."  Riley offered moving out from behind the cage that once held Oz during the full moons.

"Normal is not your thing."  Willow said as she raised her hand on Buffy's shoulder.  Buffy swung around to see her friend behind her and then spun on her heel to see everybody clouding the library staring at her.

"You don't even know what you are."  Dracula spoke up from behind her making Buffy's skin crawl.  She wanted to run but was frozen in the middle of all her friends, her enemies.  Everybody that has touched her life in one-way or another.

"The funny thing is you don't want to know, do you."  The Master spoke from behind her.

Buffy spun around seeing everybody staring at her frozen in their spots.  Spike still stood by the front doors to the library staring at her with those eyes a look of remorse locked on his features.  He reached his hand out to her and she tried to move to him.

"Come with me, pet."  Spike begged reaching out to her.

"He doesn't deserve you!"  Angel shouted.  "A soul doesn't change the monster he is Buffy."  Angel said standing now in front of her.  His face morphed into the demon he carried under the surface.  "I should know."

Buffy shut her eyes and dropped to the floor at his feet.  Her hands clamped over her ears and she started crying uncontrollably.  She rocked on her heels trying to make everybody just go way.

"You're not real.  You're not real.  You're not real."  Buffy muttered rocking back and forth.

"Buffy!"  Dawn shouted holding her sister trying to get her to open her eyes.  Finally Dawn was able to break through Buffy's little mantra of fear to get her to stop rocking and look up at her.  Dawn sat with Buffy in the living room wrapping her arms around her and Buffy was curled up in her little sister's arms with faint tears running down her cheeks.  

"Nothing will change the past Buffy, and only you can change the future."  Dawn whispered.

"If he made you happy, sweetie, then don't make yourself miserable."  Joyce said appearing from the kitchen, walking over to her two daughters on the couch.  She wrapped her arms around her two girls and held onto them tightly.  "Does he make you happy Buffy?"

"He makes me…..he makes…"  Buffy cried.

"What, honey?"  Joyce urged.  

Spike stood in the middle of the living room watching over the three Summers' woman.  He couldn't help but smile seeing them all together once more.  They all looked up to see him standing there smiling and the light from the sun started moving across the floor of the living room lighting up the carpet moving closer to his feet.  The sun moved up his legs and his black jeans began to smoke from the light.  The duster that dawned his shoulders and draped over his body began burning as the sun began covering him completely.  Buffy tried to get up from the couch and run to him, but Joyce and Dawn held her down on the couch as they all watched as the sun moved rapidly over Spike's entire body engulfing him in light and flames.  Buffy was screaming from the couch as slowly dust fell from where Spike stood, his face the last to burn.  His lingering words of _"You're my girl" _hanging in the air clouded by the dust.  When the dust settled she broke from the arms of her family and ran over to the pile on the floor wanting to touch what was left of him.

"Why?"  Buffy cried.

"You needed to see, sweetie."  Joyce said sadly.

            Buffy's alarm clock was ringing through her ears.  She rolled over on her back and tried slapping at what was making the awful noise.  After turning off the offending noise she stretched and rubbed at her eyes.  She looked up at the ceiling of her room and stared for a moment before shaking her head trying to rid herself of the images left there by her dream.

"What was that all about?"  Buffy asked herself as she rolled out of her bed.

She pulled out an outfit from her closest and made her way to the bathroom to get ready for the day.  Her and Dawn were going to spend some time together and sometime they were suppose to meet with Anya and Willow for a girls day out.  After getting dressed she made her way downstairs and into the kitchen to make some breakfast for the two girls before they left.  She sat at the kitchen table waiting for her sister to come down the stairs.  Images of her dream that night haunted her memories, every ones words echoing across her mind.  She had no clue what any of it meant, and it was really beginning to annoy her.  She had to sometime find out where Spike was and figure out what was happening.

Dawn and Buffy went out together for early shopping and then met Willow and Anya at the Magic Box for some lunch.  At lunch, conversation ran a little short and most of the time it was nothing but careful steps of conversation pieces.  Willow had told the gang she was going to try to move out of her parents house in a little bit, needing to get away.  Buffy had offered her to come back to the Summers' residence but it was too hard for Willow to do right now so she respectfully declined.  Everything else seemed to be small talk amongst the four friends, which gave Buffy time to get lost occasionally on her own thoughts of Spike.  Afterwards Anya had to get back to the store, Willow wanted to go home, and Dawn and Buffy thought it would be a good idea to just rent a movie tonight, and then maybe try to workout a little.  Walking from the video store Dawn couldn't contain her wonder any longer.

"You have been thinking about him all day?"  Dawn smiled.

"Who?"  Buffy defended.

"I know you were thinking about Spike, Buffy."  Dawn said.  "It is so obvious."

"How is it so obvious?"  Buffy mocked.  "Even though I wasn't thinking of him."

"Well I could say it was obvious when every time a guy with blonde hair walked by you would perk up out of your chair, or the fact that you weren't listening to anything anybody was saying.  But I would have to say the best one was when you started out one of your sentences with 'Spike, I' and then clammed up to continue on with some lame cover up."  Dawn laughed.

"I….I did not."  Buffy blushed.

"Yes, you did."  Dawn said.  "It is so obvious all the time.  Why don't you just go see him?"

"I…I don't know where he is."  Buffy stammered.  "And anyways, I…I shouldn't go see him."

"Why?"  Dawn asked confused.

"Because he is a vampire…"

"With a soul, that walks in the daylight."  Dawn interrupted.

"And I am the Slayer."  Buffy continued.  "We shouldn't be….I mean I shouldn't be seeing him.  I should be with a normal guy."

"Normal is not your thing."  Dawn offered.

Buffy looked at Dawn in shock, those words were in her dream.  A different person said them, but it was those same words.  Buffy stopped and grabbed Dawns shoulder turning her around to face her.  

"Why do you say that?"  Buffy demanded.

"Hello.  You are the chosen one.  The slayer that fights vampires, blah, blah, blah, has a sister that was once a big ball of greenness, a best friend who was the most powerful witch in all the world, another who was this close to marrying a 1000 year old demon vengeance demon, who now is a demon again."  Dawn put her finger and thumb as close together as possible without touching to emphasize how close the wedding really was.  "An ex-boyfriend that went psycho monster killer on all your friends, then you sent him to Hell which he came from only to leave you again.  Another ex-boyfriend that was in a military demon catcher group that left you because he felt you were a little too close to the 'dark side.'  Another vampire in love with you, killing a God, and did I mention yet the fact that you were risen from the dead."

"Thanks for the recap."  Buffy huffed.

"Face it Buffy.  Normal just is not your not thing.  And you need to see it."  Dawn said and then pulled from her grasp to walk home leaving Buffy where she stood.

            The night went by pretty fast, and after Dawn and her little talk in the middle of the street not much was said between the two of them all night.  They trained for a little bit after the movie and went on patrol both killing a couple vamps in two of local cemeteries.  Mainly it was a slow night and now Buffy sat on the edge of her bed restless, unable to sleep.  She had been stirring for about two hours with no luck.  Went and took a hot shower trying to calm down a little, and even went through all of her little notes Spike has been leaving for her through out the last few months.  It had been three weeks since that day in the park.  She knew though he has been around from the little notes and flowers left here and there around her house.  

Buffy went to her closet and pulled out some cream color sweats and a matching sweatshirt with a hood.  She made her way down the stairs stuffing some stakes expertly hidden in her clothes and grabbing one crossbow to carry with her.  She needed to go out and kill something a little more, and she needed to find Spike.  The first cemetery she walked through was relatively empty, only one fresh grave and after waiting for what felt like an eternity, Buffy chalked up that this dead person died of natural causes, not un-natural Sunnydale causes.  In a dark alley she ran into two slimy demons trying to mug a couple that just left a bar and was walking home because they were obviously too drunk to drive.  Buffy shot her crossbow at the one demons holding the couple and he dropped to the ground instantly letting the drunken couple stagger away quickly leaving Buffy and one slimy green demon alone with her.  After a couple swift blows to the face, and nicely planted kicks to the demon's body Buffy slipped her one single blade from her long sleeve and slit the demons neck as he kneeled on his knees.

Feeling a little better and exhilarated from the small battle Buffy quickened her pace through the rest of the cemeteries.  Her last one she always walked through was the one with her mother and Tara in it.  It sort of became a tradition for Buffy now to say goodnight to them before heading home.  She only did this part when she patrolled on her own, mainly because she always stopped and talked to them both, wanting a private conversation with them.  Sometimes she noticed that Willow has obviously been by to see Tara, but she never approached Will about it, just smiled contently at the thought of it all.  Tonight though somebody beat her to conversation with the two people she loved, and apparently he wasn't done yet.  

Buffy snuck up as close as she could to her mother's grave, hiding behind trees, trying to be careful not to be noticed by the vampire that lay over the grave.  She focused on trying to hear what he was saying.

"I know I don't deserve your daughter, but I personally don't believe anybody deserves her.  Not Peaches, not Captain Cardboard, nobody really, but I do love her."  Spike spoke out loud.  "I know I shouldn't love her, and I have tried so hard not to, but she's inside me now.  She's been inside me even when I tried to kill her."  Spike laughed.

"Sorry."  He said as he played with the grass with his still pale hand.  "Everything just got so painful and so good all at the same time.  No excuses for me, for what I have done.  I own up to everything I have done or said to her, and there is no way I can take any of it back.  I am different though.  Still no reason for her to love me, I know you're saying up there, but it is a bigger reason for me to love her."  Spike shook his head at the thought of everything that was going through his mind and what all he was saying.  He sat up a little and fixed the fresh bouquets he brought for her.  "If she really saw me when she looked at me and told me to leave, I would."  Spike said as he stood up.

Buffy watched as he walked over to Tara's grave with a small bouquet of fresh flowers.  Kneeling down to pick up the dead bouquet and replacing it with the fresh one he leaned his hand out and moved his fingers over the engraved words that were on the tombstone.  She heard his voice but couldn't make out what he said to her.  Buffy stood still behind the big tree and watched as he walked out of the cemetery.  She followed behind him carefully trying to figure out where he had been staying since he got back and left his old crypt.  

Spike stopped suddenly outside of a small nice house.  It was on the other side of Sunnydale pretty secluded from the city, not too many neighbors around crowding him.  He stood unmoving in front of the house turning his head slightly from side to side.  Buffy realizing he could feel her presence moved from out behind the fence she was hiding behind and started walking up to his back.

"You should be more careful Spike."  Buffy grinned.  "You never know who is behind you carrying a knife."

"Is that what you are carrying luv?"  Spike asked still facing the other way.

"I could be."  Buffy smiled.

"Have we resorted to following, Slayer?"  Spike asked coyly.

"I…I wasn't…I wasn't following."  Buffy stuttered.

"You just happen to be lurking behind me all the way to my home?"  Spike wandered.

"I wasn't lurking."  Buffy demanded.  "I was walking.  How did you put it?  It's a whole different vibe."  

Spike smiled and turned around to face her finally.  He took a couple steps closer to her and then stopped before reaching her.  He thought for a moment that it was time for her to come him if she really wanted him.  After everything he couldn't go to her any longer.  His two steps forward ended up being three slight steps backwards, trying to be un-noticeable in his movements.  Buffy frowned when she saw him back away and stepped forward just slightly coming into the light a little more.

"You go see them often don't you?"  Buffy asked.

"Who?"  Spike questioned.

"Tara and my mom."  Buffy said.  "I know you do because I always see the flowers you leave."

"I go sometimes."  Spike admitted.  "I liked both of them."

"Do you talk to them every time you go see them?"  Buffy asked.

"I talk when I have something on my mind."  Spike said.

Buffy walked forward and placed her small hand on his chest watching as it rose and fell with the rhythm of his breathing.  When he didn't need to breathe he sometimes would out of habit, so that was nearly amazing to her as the beating that still came from his chest.

"You must have a lot on your mind now."  Buffy whispered.

Spike inhaled deeply, smelling her scent and letting it overwhelm all of his senses.  She still amazed him, still made his knees weak, and now he had to remember to breathe when she was around him, and his heart beating faster when she touched him.

"I feel your heart beating."  Buffy smiled leaning her forehead on his chest.  "It is so fast."

Spike watched as Buffy buried her face into his chest, her head moving slightly with his breathing.  She moved her hand around to his back and her other hand wrapped around him holding him to her.  Spike closed his eyes and moved his arms around her small form.

"I don't want you to leave, ever."  Buffy cried into his chest.  "I deserve to be happy, and more times then not, you do make me happy, and that's what I see in you."

"Buffy, I don't…"

Buffy moved in and interrupted whatever it was Spike was going to say by capturing his lips with hers.  She didn't want to hear anymore 'sorrys' or what she deserved.  She just wanted to feel again.  It was true what she said at the wedding.  It did hurt to see him with some other girl.  In the bathroom when she admitted she has feelings for him, that was true too.  When she found out he was gone, and the lost feeling that consumed her soul was just as true a feeling as standing here in the street in his arms tasting him once again.

She tangled her tongue with his, massaging his mouth.  It still fascinated her that his lips were warm, and his body radiated heat instead of the dead cold he used to.  It was more fascinating that she knew behind this sculpted face of a human, with a beating heart and a soul, laid a monster just under the surface.  As their kiss became more passionate one of her hands moved up to his hair wrapping her fingers within his small blonde curls on the top of his head.  Spike pulled on her shoulders trying to get her closer to his body.  He pulled away from her and trickled his lips down to her neck kissing at her delicate skin.

"I want you, Spike."  Buffy moaned.

Spike moved away from her and took her hand in his and walked up the small stone pathway to the front door of the house.  Stopping at the door Spike dug his hand into his pocket pulling out a key and unlocking the door.  He walked in and Buffy stood at the entrance looking into the house.  Spike threw his keys down on a nearby table and turned to look at Buffy at the door.

"Aren't you coming in, luv?"  Spike asked.

"I was waiting for you to invite me."  Buffy said.

"You are always invited, Buffy."  Spike smiled.

He reached out his hand and she placed her small one in his as she walked through the front door.  He brought her small hand up to his lips and gently kissed the top of her soft skin.  Intertwining his fingers with hers he guided her to a magnificent room.  Actually it looked exactly like the room that was in the basement of his crypt before it was blown up.  Candles everywhere, a poster bed sitting in the middle of it draped with white satin sheets.  The walls and the fireplace were about the only difference.  You could just tell it was still Spike's home.

Spike walked her over to the bed and sat her on the edge leaning down and kissing her neck gently listening to her subtle moan escape her lips.  He moved away from her and pulled off his shirt up and over his head.  The marble white of his body still took Buffy's breath away.  He was so amazing to look at she thought to herself.  Spike stared down at her face and smiled as his fingers danced over the button of his pants, slowly dropping the zipper down and pulling down his pants.  A small smile grazed over Buffy's face as she noticed he still didn't wear any underwear.  This was definitely the same old Spike.

He stood naked in front of her for a moment letting her take in his body before he bent over and unzipped the sweater.  He opened up her shirt seeing the white lace bra that lightly covered her breasts.  He pulled one arm out of her shirt then the other moving it away from her and dropping it to the floor beside his clothes.  He helped her lean back on the bed and she scooted to the middle as he crawled up her body stopping at her hips grabbing the edges tugging down her legs.  She raised her hips slowly and he leaned down and kissed her rising hips as her flesh became bare of her clothes.  Gently down her thighs with the warm soft fabric and her knees bent slightly to make it down her calves.  His lips caressed her knees and she purred at his soft touch on her flesh.  Her clothing moved over her feet and down off her body.  

Spike looked up her body dressed in only her white lace bra as he threw her clothes to the floor.  Grabbing her foot he kissed the soft skin around her ankles caressing her foot and legs with his hands.  Buffy's head rolled back on the soft bed as his lips danced up her leg, kissing her inner thigh before spreading her legs.  He moved between her open legs and up her body stopping for a moment to kiss on the lace covered pert nipples of her breast.  Unclamping the bra and sliding it down her shoulders as she raised her chest for it pass down her arms he sucked in her nipple nibbling on the soft flesh.  He moved slightly between her body teasing her sex with his own relishing in the noises that came from her.  He leaned down and kissed her waiting for her to invite him into her once again.  

Buffy slowly opened her mouth and let him in pouring her passion and want for him.  Her legs wrapped around Spike's waist and moved him closer to her, dying for him to be inside her once again.  He found her center and entered her slowly as he ravaged her mouth with his tongue.  She moaned into his mouth as he entered her, and Spike had to pull from her lips to breathe.  Being inside of her was overwhelming to him, like it was their first time.  He moved out of her slowly, both whimpering at the loss of connection, his movements were slow and tender.  He sheathed himself back in her warmth and stopped to look at her face, watching in amazement as it contorted in pleasure he was giving her.  He moved like that until her walls began fluttering around him and he knew she was close.  He moved his head down to her breast and began teasing and sucking on her nipple as his hand moved down between them and he caressed and rubbed on her sensitive nubbin sending her over the edge in waves of ecstasy.  He didn't stop his movements, but muffled her cries of pleasure with a needy kiss.  He moved faster into her and his finger tweaked on her clit even harder as he sent her over the edge one more time before spilling his seed into her with his own orgasm.  Buffy's walls fluttered and her legs shook around his waist squeezing him as her second orgasm swam over her body and he filled her with his seed.  She caught his groans in her mouth as they kissed until he moved from her lips and buried his head into her shoulder.  His own body shook over top of hers and she wrapped her arms around him and lightly grazed them up and down his back.  His hips still moved slowly into her body as she milked his seed from him, and she caught a small cry come from him and she started to kiss his neck.  Both of their bodies began to calm and he lay on top of her as she held him close to her.  He still was inside her as he lay there with muffled tears falling into her shoulder, and soft murmurs and warm kisses came from Buffy, reassuring him.

When Spike stopped crying he rolled over on his back next to Buffy and pulled her into his arms.  He leaned over wiping his eyes and grabbed the blanket covering them both up so they could sleep.  Buffy curled up into a small ball next to Spike as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder cradling her.  He kissed the top of hair and smiled as he held onto her a little tighter.  He noticed out the window it started to rain.

"You have my duster."  Spike said.

"Yes I do."  Buffy smiled.

"Are you going to give it back?"  Spike asked.

Buffy just smiled to herself and rolled over on her side curling up to Spike, and he moved behind her so he could hold her as they slept.  His tall long form fit perfectly behind her as her smaller form cradled in his arms.  She drifted off to sleep in his arms without ever answering his question.  This time her sleep was not interrupted with weird dreams that needed to be figured out.  

Spike woke up in the morning and the sun shined through his window as the new day broke into his room.  He inhaled deeply still able to smell Buffy and rolled over on his side to hold her again.  She was gone, and only a single daisy and a note lay on the pillow she used through the night.  He leaned up on his elbow and smiled a little as he picked up the flower and took in the scent of it mixed in with the lingering smell of his Buffy.  He unfolded the note and couldn't help but smile bigger understanding both references the note held in its words.

You're going to have to come and get it if you really want it.  Buffy 


	4. Ask me

Ask me

            Buffy walked up to her front door unsure of what to say when she opened it to her expectant sister she knew was just on the other side.  Buffy stood on the top step of her porch and looked at the base of her door.  They always seemed to be there when she was thinking about him, and of course she would be thinking about him now.  Just a moment ago he kissed her with a whisper and a goodbye.  She walked up slowly to the door kneeling down to lift the single daisy and note from its place.  Somehow every new daisy smelled different.  A small portion of him lingered on the tiny flower, and each scent was different than the time before.  The paper he used for the note always held a small portion of his scent.  Closing her eyes and taking in the scent that lingered from his gifts she imagined him standing before her just as he was a moment ago.  His lips tantalizing lightly over her warm flesh, his hands holding her to him, and his breathless words caressing over ear.  The door opened in front of her and she was pulled back to reality.  

Buffy looked up and saw Dawn looking down at her concerned that her sister was on her knees.  She seemed to be at the door for hours before Dawn finally went to see what was going on.  Dawn knelt down grabbing her sisters hand in hers hoping she wouldn't have to ask, and finally Buffy would just say what she was feeling.  Like always it came to no surprise to Dawn that Buffy just sat in front of her staring at her holding back on her tears that were trying to force their way out.  

"What happened?"  Dawn asked.

Buffy looked up into her sister's eyes and her tears finally broke free and ran down her cheeks.  Dawn grabbed Buffy's arms and lifted her to her feet.  Dawn walked Buffy into the house closing the door behind them and taking her into the living room.  Dawn sat her on the couch and took a seat next to her keeping her hands in her trying to comfort her sister.  Dawn pulled the note out of Buffy's grasp trying to rip the paper as she pulled it from Buffy's tight grip.  She opened the small envelope with one hand and read what was written on the paper to herself.  

"Buffy, please tell me what happened?"  Dawn begged.  "Did he not show?  Did you guys fight?"

"No…no…none of that."  Buffy said.

"Then what Buffy?  Please tell me what happened."  Dawn said.

"He was there.  Spike was at the park, stepped out in the sun and wrapped his arms around me, turned into a vampire and…"  Buffy whipped the tears on her face away pausing for a moment.

"And."  Dawn whispered.

"And…and he went back into the shadows leaving me standing there in the park alone."  Buffy cried.

"He'll come back to you.  He will always come back to you Buffy."  Dawn assured her sister handing her the note that was left at the door.

Love isn't brains.  It's blood.  Blood screaming inside you to work its will.

Buffy turned a sad smile as she read the note.  The words that were written lingered on her mind as a distant memory until she realized Spike has said this before.  It sunk in the first time he said it, and then it hurt.  Not his words but the reality of what they meant.  _He still feels I need the same lecture._  Buffy thought to herself.  She looked up at her sister and placed her hand on her sister's face before standing to her feet.  Buffy leaned over and kissed the top of Dawn's head and started to walk away up the stairs.

"You know it's true don't you?"  Dawn questioned.

Buffy froze at the bottom stair grabbing onto the railing.  Her eyes faded shut as the unwanted question fell from her lips.  "What's true?"

"Love doesn't come from the brain.  It comes from the blood and it waits until we finally realize what is burning inside of us."  Dawn said.

Buffy opened her eyes and just headed her way up the stairs.  That old lecture given years ago by a seemingly different Spike racking in her mind, and Dawn's words flooding over those images.  Half way up the stairs Dawn's voice etched thru her thoughts once more.

"You taught me that, you know?"  Dawn shouted.

Buffy stopped and turned around to look down at her sister who had moved to the bottom of the staircase.  She was frozen in her thoughts as she stared down into her sister's face, wandering how she grew up so fast, became so smart.

"Watching you all these years, even my fake memories of growing up with you.  You still taught me that.  I have seen you love and seen you sacrifice.  Your sacrifices come from your mind.  It has always been what you think is your duty, but your love you did because you felt it.  You felt it in your blood, no matter what your mind thought."

"Dawn I can't do that now."  Buffy interrupted.

"You won't do it because you're sacred."  Dawn said as she walked up the stairs to meet her sister half way.  "Just because you are the slayer doesn't mean you don't get scared."

"It's not that."  Buffy turned and walked to her room.

"I can see it Buffy.  You are scared if you actually feel what runs thru your veins.  If you wake up and see, I mean really see what you feel for him he will walk away from you like everybody else."  Dawn said as she stopped at the top of the stairs watching her sister freeze at her bedroom door.

Buffy held the note and flower to her chest has she stood at her door.  She inhaled deeply closing her eyes before she walked into her room.

"Sacrifice hurts just as much when you let it stop you from living Buffy!"  Dawn shouted as Buffy shut the door behind her.

Buffy walked over to her bed grabbing the black leather duster off of the chair of her vanity wrapping it around her small frame as she curled on the bed.  Buffy rolled over on her side and saw another note and daisy lying on the other pillow of her bed before her.  She reached out grabbing the note and flower and holding them together with ones she found at the door.  Wrapped in the warm duster that still held the lingering faint scent of her once vampire lover she clasped the notes and flowers to her chest and laid there in silence reliving in her memories of him.  The old ones of him when she first came back and he stood before her at the bottom of the stairs and she descended down on him, the times he gave her comfort when she thought she wanted to be alone.  All of her thoughts always found them coming to their first kiss, then the second one and the third, until when she could see his blue eyes looking into her once again as they were molded into one being.  Now newer thought stormed thru her mind with him standing in the sunlight like a marble statue gracing the light with its artistic beauty.  

            Dawn ended up leaving later that afternoon after waiting for Buffy to come out of her room and they could actually have a decent conversation, unlike the one sided one Dawn felt they had earlier that day.  Dawn's new hangout when she had no other place to go was the back part of the Magic Box where she could release her frustrations out on the punching bag like her big sis did so often.  Dawn entered thru the back door that opened from the alley so she wouldn't interrupt whatever Anya was doing at the time.  Now that she had a key to both doors, like Buffy did she didn't have to break in like the last time she came to the Magic Box and didn't want anybody to know.  

Dawn spent a little bit working on the punching bag, trying to focus on the strengths of her punches and kicks like Buffy taught her but she found herself just wanting to hit something instead of concentrating on hitting something.  She got so involved in taking out her anger or frustration, whatever you wanted to call it, even if it was confusion out on the punching bag that she didn't notice Anya walk thru the door from the shop.  Anya stood and watched Dawn fight the punching bag like her big sis has done so many times over the years.  She was impressed on how fast Dawn was picking things up even if she still thought as Dawn as the little girl who was too young to even drink coffee yet.

"I thought I heard somebody back here."  Anya said.

Dawn stopped her assault on the bag to look up at Anya and watched as she moved from the door to the small couch by the wall.  Anya patted the cushion next to where she was sitting on the couch wanting dawn to come join her so they could talk.  Since everything happened Anya had been spending a lot of time by herself and relished the time when her friends came to the Magic Box.  Dawn walked over to the couch and sat next to Anya and began taking the wrapping off of her knuckles.

"So."  Anya smiled.

"So."  Dawn said as she sat back with a groan.

"How are things?"  Anya asked awkwardly.

"Things are, you know."  Dawn said.  "She saw him today."

"Who saw who?"  Anya asked.

"Buffy saw Spike today.  During the day in the middle of a park, out in the sunlight."  Dawn said.

"What happened?"  Anya asked.

"I don't know.  They saw each other, he stepped out into the sun, and back into the shadows and then left her."  Dawn offered.

"He left for good?"  Anya wandered.

"I don't think he will ever leave for good.  He will always be with her in one way or another.  She just isn't seeing it yet."  Dawn stated.

"Seeing what?"  Anya questioned.

"Seeing she loves him of course."  Dawn said flatly.  "She feels it, but she just isn't seeing it."

            Buffy woke up after awhile and unwrapped herself from the duster.  The small notes and flowers still were held in her grasping hands.  Lying the flowers and notes down on her vanity she picked the duster up and folded it up gently placing it back over the back of the chair like it always is.  She picked the note that was found on her pillow and opened the envelope pulling the paper from its confides.

Ask me to go.

Buffy laid the note down next to the others and left her room.  Buffy went into the bathroom and washed her face up and brushed her hair as it was a little raggedy from her little nap.  She walked thru the house looking to see where Dawn was hoping to have a small talk with her about what happened earlier.  She had no idea what she was going to say but thought something needed to be said anyways.  Buffy went down into the kitchen glancing quickly into the living room.  She couldn't find Dawn anywhere, and headed to the fridge to grab something to drink.  Coming back into her room with a soda in her hand she noticed a small note on the edge of her bed with a daisy across it.  Buffy ran to the window looking for him, but the vacant air that warmed Sunnydale was lonely.  She moved back to the bed in slow cautious steps picking the note up carefully leaving the daisy where is lay.

Ask me to stay.

Buffy heard a serenade of slow music playing from her living room radio and ran downstairs hoping he would be there amongst the sounds that echoed from the walls.

Its daybreak And you are asleep I can hear you breath now Your breath is deep 

****

Buffy ran into the kitchen trying to find him then went back up the stairs running into every room searching for him anywhere.  The song still echoed thru the walls chilling thru her spine with sadness.  Thoughts of him leaving again, for her, or because of her became torturing as she hurried thru her house in search of any sign he was still there.  Ancient words he once spoke of love, and his love for her bellowed over the words from the song that moved across her mind like a lullaby.  She never notice him standing at the window in the living room watching her as she ran thru the house.  His hand holding him at the window bracing himself in his spot as he watched her.

But before I go I look at you one last time 

**_I can hear a heartbeat_**

**_Is it yours or is it mine_**

**_I look at your lips_**

**_And I know how soft they can be_**

**_Do they know what they wanted_**

**_And the times they kissed me_**

**_And your hands_**

**_I held in my mine_**

**_And now they are posed on the pillow_**

**_Will they ever miss me sometime_**

Buffy rummaged thru her closet looking for something different to put on.  She didn't know where he was going to be, but she needed to find him.  She needed to say something, do something so he wouldn't leave her anymore.  Something inside her was screaming for her to stop this.  That it didn't make sense and it wasn't right to go after such a creature, but the louder part of her that was collapsing in pain and anguish over not having the one thing that makes her feel was winning the internal struggle.

**_I'll remember you_**

**_You will be back in my heart_**

**_I'll remember you_**

**_That is all I can do_**

**_When I remember you_**

Buffy grabbed her shoes and ran down the stairs.  On the last stair was a small daisy lying across another small note.  She picked the flower up and the note and went over to the couch to put her shoes on.  The daisy and note carried a new smell, but she knew it was still a scent that Spike carried with him.  Buffy's tears started to fall as she read the words that written in this familiar script that graced the paper.

Tell me you don't want me.

Your eyes They'd always make me shiver Now they are closed Maybe sometimes twitch a little And your body I could hold for an hour It sent me to heaven With its sweet and power 

Buffy put the note and the flower down on the coffee table in the living room, and sat and listened to the words move thru the air of her home.  She whipped the tears from her face and stood to her feet straightening out her clothes that wrinkled gently as she sat for the moment to read the note.  She went to the front door and grabbed the small jacket that lay on the foyer table pulling it over her shoulders.  She pulled another small note from her jacket pocket smiling at the thought of Spike knowing her so well.  Sometimes she felt he knew her more then she did.

You gave me everything.  Tell me you want me.

**_I'll remember you_**

**_You will be back in my heart_**

**_I'll remember you_**

**_That's all I can do_**

**_But I'll remember_**

****

Buffy left the small note on the table next to her and went for the door.  Opening the door she saw him standing before her holding a dozen small yellow daisies in his hand.  His blue eyes were covered as he stood before her with his eyes closed waiting for her to come to him.  Buffy looked over the man before him that shadowed the sun that set behind his back

Spike opened his eyes and looked into Buffy's green ones.  As the song faded to an end silence surrounded the two lovers.  Spike offered out the bouquet of daisies to Buffy and she took them from him inhaling their scent before turning around and walking back to the foyer table placing them next to the last note.  Buffy took her jacket off and folded it as her eyes drifted closed.  Spike stood at the front door watching her movements with wanting.

"Well."  Buffy broke the silence.

"Well what luv?"  Spike asked.

"Are you here to say goodbye?"  Buffy asked.

"Is that what you want me to say?"  Spike questioned.

"I don't want you to leave."  Buffy whispered.

She never heard him move into her house, but he was there behind her, his essence radiating onto her from him barely touching her. His hand ran down her exposed shoulder and his lips grazed over her ear as his words spilled from his mouth like liquid.

"Ask me."  Spike whispered.  "Tell me what you want."

A single tear ran down Buffy's cheek as his words sunk into her heart and ran thru her veins.  Buffy turned in his arms wrapping her arms around his body pulling him to her.  She leaned up on her toes to touch her lips to his, kissing him gently sucking softly on his lower lip.  The tear fell between them and both tasted the sadness that ran from her.  Spike pulled from her before the kiss could grow deeper, and he stared down into her face.

Her eyes shut and tears running down steadily in a slow stream of pain and guilt, Buffy finally saw what ran thru her veins.  For the first time she saw how much it hurt to think he would leave and never come back.  How painful it would be to give up on the love that filled her blood.

"I'm asking you to stay."  Buffy said as she opened her eyes to look up at him.  "I'm telling you I want you."

Spike leaned down into her lips and kissed her gently asking for entrance.  Buffy opened her lips granting him a deeper passionate kiss.  Pouring into each other all the love they have been hiding over the last few months.  The sunset behind them, filling light into the house silhouetting their bodies into shadows of distant lovers.  

Spike pulled from her lips one last time.  "Say it again luv."

"I want you to stay."  Buffy smiled and took his hand in hers walking up the stairs to her bedroom.

Spike smiled as he pulled her into his arms for another kiss, picking her up and walking into her room closing the door behind them.

"I thought you'd never ask."  

~Fin~

Celtic


End file.
